Letters To No One
by miminator
Summary: preHBP. Its Harry's 7th year. Harry still hasn't gotten over Sirius' death. Dumbledore assigns Harry to write letters to Sirius as if he were alive, thinking this will help him reconcile with Sirius' death. Full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

**Full Summary: **It is Harry's seventh year at Hogwarts. Sirius had died behind the veil in the Department of Mysteries at the end of his fifth year, and still Harry has problems with it. No one, not even Dumbledore, knows what is bothering Harry inside, nagging away at the corners of his mind and eating at his heart. He assigns Harry to write letters to Sirius as if he were still alive, hoping it will help Harry realize and confront what is driving him insane. Harry drinks and smokes, convinced none of this is bad for him and feeling secluded from the rest of the world. He feels as if he is above everyone else, and that no one can understand what he is feeling. Watch as Harry's letters start out defensive, denying, and short, then get longer and more open as he starts to discover what is eating away at him. Rating for future language.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters. Anything and everything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling or Warner Bros. I claim no ownership over anything in this story, unless I decide to make something up, which I have not decided yet. J

_November 18_

_Dear Sirius,_

_ This is pretty awkward, since you're… not here anymore. Dumbledore suggested I write letters to you as if you were still really here, that it would "help me figure out what I'm feeling inside." I think the man's finally lost his marbles. There is nothing to figure out—I have _nothing _wrong with me. I don't understand why everyone thinks I do._

_ Ron and Hermione are going out now. It looks pretty serious, and it's kind of strange, them being a couple. (I'm still single.) It's just a little awkward sometimes. Speaking of Ron and Hermione, they've been mad at me a lot lately. I don't understand why. We always have our rows and they always walk off together. I just don't understand. Usually we get over it (except that one time in fourth year; I remember Ron and my 'big fight'… we used to look back on it and laugh, until now). I just don't understand why everyone's so different around me—they're either mad or concerned, and they say _I'm _the one who needs help?_

_ Hermione's been doing a lot of lecturing (and yelling) lately, and it's usually pointed at me. Sure, Ron gets a share, but she seems to have lightened up on him. They're both (especially Hermione) always telling me that I've changed a lot. I know that I've changed, but I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's not like I'm a juvenile delinquent or anything. I still do most of the stuff the same. They're supposed to be my friends, and yet they don't accept me. How can that be? I remember two years ago, in fifth year, when Seamus believed what the _Daily Prophet_ said about me. People were scared of me those days, but just because the idiots believed I was mental. Now it's proven that I'm not, but they still reject me. Even my own two best friends._

_ They say you wouldn't have been proud of me, and sometimes, briefly, I hate them for it. They say I have bad habits. I don't know how they think they can judge me. Smoking and drinking aren't as bad as the world makes it out to be. I don't think they understand that. They don't know what it's like to have their godfather die; how can they judge me? Smoking isn't killing me, whatever they say. Sometimes it's just necessary to take some of the burden off my shoulders. And sometimes I go out to the Hog's Head and drink, but not on a regular basis. Sometimes I get really drunk, but I'm always fine. It's not like I do drugs or am a Death Eater or anything. After all, I am seventeen. They can't tell me what to do._

_ I don't think you wouldn't be proud of me, Sirius. I think you'd understand and like me just the same._

_ I graduate this year. Thank God. I need to be away from all these prying eyes and judging mouths. I don't understand why everyone turned on me. I'm glad I'm finally going to be on my own. I just don't know what I'm going to do. For a living, I mean. I want to play Quidditch professionally, maybe, since I love it so much and am a natural. Bud I kind of want to become an Auror as well. You'd know what I should do if you were here._

_ Graduation is on June 15 this year. I wish you were here to see me graduate, Sirius. You'd be the only person I'd want to attend. You're the only one who would understand what I'm going through._

_ Harry_

**A/N: **-wags finger- Tsk, tsk. Harry's a bad boy, isn't he? Smoking and drinking… Anyway, this is just an on-the-side fic that hopefully will help me relieve writer's block. Review and tell me what you think. Promise?

OutofAzkaban


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_December 1_

_            Dear Sirius,_

_            It's funny.  If you look outside, everything is white, covered in snow, and blissfully blank.  Then you take a look inside the castle, and everything is covered in red, green, gold, silver… everything is colorful.  There is a Christmas buzz in the air._

_            I still don't know what to get Ron or Hermione for Christmas.  Truth be told, I don't feel much like celebrating, but Hermione and Ron have been o bent up on it that I don't want to let them down.  It's strange, yet sad.  I have so much money and I don't know what to do with it.  I think I'll get Ron a bag of sweets from Honeydukes and a bag of Zonko tricks.  And maybe a new quill, too.  The trick is Hermione.  I just don't know what she'd like._

_            I just reread what I wrote and I feel a pang of guilt at my last sentence.  Maybe I haven't been spending enough time with my best friends.  On second thought, they haven't been making much of an effort to spend time with me.  It's not _all _my fault.  _

_            Hermione and Ron are forcing me to go to Hogsmeade with them, so I'll go now._

-A few hours later, he added…-

_            I actually told Ron and Hermione that I'd rather not go to Hogsmeade, then slipped on my cloak and went shopping by myself.  I got Ron exactly what I said I would.  The quill is really nice, too.  It's a peacock feather.  I ended up buying Hermione an owl, since Ron and I both have one and she likes Hedwig so much.  It's an ordinary barn owl, but I think she'll like it.  I hope it won't be a problem to Crookshanks, but that's her problem.  Argh.  Stupid owl is pestering me like no other.  Screw Christmas._

_            I'm just not in the spirit.  I don't know why.  Maybe I'll go play Quidditch._

-Fifteen minutes later-

_            Brr.  It's too cold out there, and besides, Quidditch isn't cheering me up much anyway.  I don't know why; it usually does.  Maybe I'll go buy some crap off of Fred and George to take my mind off… whatever it's on._

-Five minutes later-

_            Doesn't work._

_            Maybe I'll just go have a smoke.  That always helps._

-Ten minutes later-

            _Great.__  It did.  A bit.  Maybe I'll go find a first-year to hex._

_            Harry_

**noisy**** lil brat—**Thanks for your review!  I'm glad you like it!

**CaliDuchess****—**Thanks for offering your help!  I'm gonna need it later!

**roxygurl25—**Thanks so much for being so quick to follow up your reviewing streak! :P You're my fave!  LOL see you Friday!

**potts****—**Thanks for reviewing!  Keep reading!

**MissPriss****—**Hey doooode!  I was ecstatic for hours after you reviewed!  It's about time, too… but now I don't have to bug you all the time!  Yes, Harry has been through a lot of stuff… if you disagree, just look at his page-and-a-half of yelling in OotP.  LOL  I promise I'll buy you a bee-you-tiful car!!  Thanks for your wonderful compliments, but you know you're a better writer than me! Well I'll see you soon!  Oh yeah- I got the track listings for VM.  Thanks for your help!  Love ya doode!

**BlackLupin****—**Oh, I'm sorry!  I don't know if you're my first reviewer (haven't checked) but if you are, congratulations!  I'll love you always!  ;) 

**Cecilia Orechio—**Thanks for your review!  I love your opinions.  Well, we'll see if he breaks those habits in the end.  You know what they say… smoking is _very _addictive… evil smirk

**A/N: **In the next chapter, it'll be Christmas day.  Thanks for all your reviews, everyone—I love you all!

OutofAzkaban


	3. Chapter 3

**roxygurl25-******I know.  I am a very bad girl.  So sue me.  Don't worry; I changed the appalling part just for you.  Ok, and because it made me a little uncomfortable.  He _will _be using those words later, on, though, so make note of that.  I'm so glad you're adding more to your story, but… when are you UPLOADING?  I can't wait much longer, you know!  And Ice Breakers _are _addictive.  I got addicted to them at the company picnic.  For your information, Potter doesn't know a bloody thing about the bad things that happen when you smoke and drink.  Wonder who taught him.

**Cecilia Orechio- **Thanks for your review.  I'm really pleased I'm getting long feedback in reviews in this fic.  Yay!  You have some very good points.  Yes, smoking is very bad for you, but Harry doesn't seem to know/care.  Hmm… you know someone _will _have to tell him in the end to quit smoking, but the only person he listens to is Sirius, and he's not 'available' right now… or ever… wonder who it's going to be?  smirk Well, you can't tell about the voice box thing, since all he's doing is writing letters in this fic!  I suppose you'll have to meet him in person to see if his voice box is damaged.  Just to clarify this, Harry's letters are sort of like a diary—he's confiding everything in "Sirius."  I know I get up in the middle of an entry in my own diary, so… yeah.  That question's answered.  Ah yes, and hexing a first year—he takes on from James.

**MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus****- **Thanks for reviewing!  I'm glad you like it—very glad!  Keep reading!

**noisy**** lil brat- **I'm glad you like.  Keep reading!  And yes, Harry is a _very _bad boy… wonder if he'll get better? –smirk-

**Chapter 3**

_ December 25_

_Dear Sirius,_

_Happy Christmas.__  Hermione and Ron won't tell me what they got each other.  I suppose it's some sappy romantic token of their undying love or something.  Ron got me a ton of Fred and George merchandise—he assured me it wasn't all free—and it's all the latest, newest stuff, too.  It'll last my pranks on Malfoy for about a month or two, if I use it as frequently as I normally do.  Hermione got me this kit of Firebolt servicing stuff, with this pamphlet of really cool tips and tricks for a Firebolt so you can use your Firebolt to its furthest extent.  It'll come in really handy, since Malfoy's dad buys Slytherin new brooms just about every year, and I've got to match up to them.  She also gave me this Dark Wizard-catching kind of stuff, some of the kinds of stuff Moody has.  I suppose she really noticed my career interests._

_Ron woke me up at seven this morning.  He was really giddy… silly git.  Really knows how to brighten the mood, though.  He liked his quill.  Said it was just what he needed.  Don't know if he was lying about it, but I really don't care.  And he absolutely went—what else?—zonko over the bag from Zonko's.  I'm pretty glad it's Christmas, actually.  I suppose the spirit is infectious, or something.  Whatever.  But this day's turning out pretty good, though.  Actually, probably one of the best since… about fifth year._

_Hermione went ballistic over the owl.  She named it Cinnamon.  It's kind of cute, actually… in an annoying sort of way.  She's been letters all day, some to cousins she doesn't even know just at the prospect of being able to send them via owl post.  She seems to have lightened up a little on the seriousness and the workload lately.  I suppose after she started dating Ron.  I… I don't really recall when she changed, started smiling more._

_There's that pang of guilt again.  I guess I should be spending more time with my two best friends._

_Hermione's really changed from my last real memory of her.  Somewhere at the end of fifth year or beginning of sixth year.  Or the summer in-between.  She laughs more now, and, even though she's still top in our year, she's working less and spending a lot more time having fun.  She's stopped bullying Ron and me about homework and classes (except for the occasional nag).  Actually, she's not spoken to me—really talked to me, I mean—for a while now.  A long while._

_Ron's about the same.  His grades may have risen slightly since he and Hermione got together, but he's still the jokester.  We get free odds and ends from Fred and George (they're doing really well with Weasley's Wizard Wheezes) and I think we've turned out to be a lot more like you and Dad, Sirius.  You would be proud of the pranksters we've become._

_I wish I had gotten a chance to ask you more about Dad.  I ask Remus, and Dumbledore, but they don't like to talk about it much.  Dumbledore just talks about how brave he was, and what a joker he was, how he was brilliant but somewhat lazy… Remus doesn't tell me much, actually.  He waves it away or distracts himself or something.  As his best friend, you'd know, Sirius.  I wish you were here to tell me._

_Say hi to my mum and dad for me every day while you're up there._

_Harry_

**A/N: **Heh heh… notice how Harry starts out whining, then opens up, then goes back to his usual state of denial and his _my-life-sucks-how-about-you_ attitude.  He's not better yet.  -evil smirk-

Lots more yet to come!  If you have any ideas for the plot, feel free to tell me so in your review!  Love you all!

Leave me a wonderful review!

OutofAzkaban


	4. Chapter 4

**roxygurl25-******Hey! What do you mean 'the same page in your lives'? _WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! _Smoking! –gasp- Mel-Mel, you bad bad creature. ;) JK. But what's new? I _think _its called Weasley's Wizard Wheezes… check the fifth book. They give the name of their product/trademark/whatever-it-is, though, as WWW… so I'm guessing—assuming—that that's their store. Upload soon!

**MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus******I'm _very _glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for reviewing!

**tessbomb65-******Yay! A new reviewer! I'm SO glad you like this! Your review confirmed my goal—it's what I've been aiming for for this fic: showing Harry's feelings but not making them obvious… yes! I feel accomplished! Thank you! Keep reading!

**noisy**** lil brat- **Glad you like! Thanks for reviewing!

**CaliDuchess****** I'm afraid I already cleared this up, dear… Sirius is _dead_. There is nothing whatsoever that could possibly help him. And yes, the purpose of these letters is to help Harry. Re-read the first paragraph of the first chapter and the full summary.

**Chapter 4**

_January 7_

_ Dear Sirius,_

_ Christmas holidays are over and everyone's back. Classes have begun again._

_ I knew Christmas was too good to be true. On the night of the twenty-fifth, Hermione told Ron and me that her Muggle cousin—what was her name? Grace—was having a wedding. It's on Valentine's Day this year, and she wants both of us to be there. She promised her cousin, who wants to meet actual wizards or something. Especially me—since Grace somehow knows I'm the Boy-Who-Lived. Don't ask me how—I suppose Hermione told her._

_ Hermione insisted we both have dates, since Grace would like that. Of course, it's no problem for Ron. I have to find a girl to bring. I think the world is out to get me._

_ Sirius, I have never been to a wedding before. I don't know Grace, I don't have a date, Hermione and Ron will probably be all lovey-dovey… and I'll be placed on a pedestal and everything will be ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the boy who survived Voldemort. There's bound to be some wizards there—Ron's bringing his whole family and Hermione will probably have a few relatives who are magical._

_ Sirius, I don't want to be pointed at and be the reason behind the whispers at this wedding. I want a normal life. What do I do to get one? Fail to destroy Voldemort? No, then people will call me the Complete and Utter Failure…_

_ I'll get back to you later. Right now I'm going for a drink_

_ Harry_

_January 9_

_ Sirius,_

_ I was too hung-over yesterday to write, but there's something I really need to get off my chest._

_ I went to the Hog's Head for a drink, and ordered butterbeer. Four weren't strong enough, so I ordered a firewhiskey. I downed one, but I was still pretty much sober. Ginny Weasley was there, and I suppose she was depressed or something, because she looked kind of lonely. Anyway, she came over and sat by me._

_ "Hi," I said to her. "Why so glum?"_

_ "Just got dumped," she said. "Ernie Macmillan. Don't know why I went out with him in the first place. He's so full of it."_

_ I swear that girl has a new boyfriend every month. I nodded sympathetically and ordered another firewhiskey. She wasn't finished, however. I suppose all her drinking had loosened her up._

_ "It's not the loss of Ernie," she said. "I don't care about that pompous git. It's just… for the last two years I've been dating a million guys… but they don't mean anything anymore. I feel dirty, but more than that… I'm pretty much sick of it. I haven't found the right guy. I'm almost seventeen, Harry. Well, in about half a year, anyway. I'm graduating next year. I'm…" she cut herself off._

_ I don't know what came over then, Sirius. I just… felt this overwhelmingly large wave of pity for Ginny Weasley. Pity and something else… can't put my finger on it. Anyhow, then I said something like:_

_ "Ginny? Hermione's cousin is having a wedding on February fourteenth. She's invited Ron and me, and we both need dates. Will you… erm, will you go with me?"_

_ Something came over her. She looked at me funny and her eyes kind of slid out of focus. She said yes, and then she passed out (one drink too many) and collapsed into my arms. I ended up carrying her back to __Gryffindor__Tower_

_ It was weird… when I touched her, this jolt went through me. I swear I wasn't imagining it. It didn't happen again, though, so for now I'm ignoring it._

_ But Ginny Weasley, Sirius! Ron's baby sister! Oh, Merlin, he'll kill me! You know how overprotective he is of her! I thought he was about ready to kill Michael Corner in fifth year. Urgh, what have I done? Ron'll hate me and I don't want another fight._

_ On top of that, I've got a load of homework to do and essays to write because I've got N.E.W.T.s this year to prepare for._

_ Seventeen is the pits._

_ Harry_


	5. Chapter 5

**noisy**** lil brat- **That's what I was hoping for Harry and Ginny, too. We'll see if Harry finds out what he's missing.****

****

**roxygurl25-******Yup, smoking is _very _disgusting. Ick. Ack. (I could start a whole song… JK) I'll be in college that year, too. Can't wait. Freedom at last! Those forgetfulness things strike me too A LOT… believe me. Go ahead and change the name—I wanna read soon!

**DemonFireGirlHotaru****- **You're my new reviewer! Yay! throws party in your honor Hehe… yes, Ron would traditionally get mad at any boyfriend of Ginny's, but remember: Harry and Ginny aren't going out; he's just taking her to the wedding since he needs a date, and remember in Book 5 on the train back what Ron says…? If you don't, look it up.

**phoenixrising5- **You're back! I thought you'd left me for good! Thanks for loving it—I love you, too!

**CaliDuchess****- **Hey you! Thank you for realizing Ron's point of view there… you were the only one! I'm waiting to hear about more ideas for the plot… love ya (as a friend)!

**uNoeWho****-******Thank you and thanks for reviewing!

**tessbomb65-******Oh no, Ginny doesn't get drunk often. Sure, she can be wild and have fun (no! not the perverted way) but she isn't addicted to drinking like Harry is. That's a good questions; I'm not sure if I've mentioned it but no, I would never expect or make Dumbledore read Harry's letters. I consider it a direct invasion of privacy and my original plan was for Harry himself to figure out his problems on his own, like you suggested. And I'm glad you can see the change—that was my entire hope. Thank you so much!

**potts****- **Well, we'll see if they start dating. I don't want to give anything away. Hmm… not sure about the writing becoming a habit thing. I don't know if he'll _need _to, since if he gets over Sirius, he won't have to keep writing. You'll see… I think I've just decided.

**Cecilia Orechio- **Yes, progress is slow, but it's progress. Your criticism did not go by unnoticed—I'm guessing Hermione's parents are very proud to have a witch in the family (think Mr. and Mrs. Evans). They could have told them. After all, Mr. and Mrs. Granger could keep a secret—I'm sure they trust the family.

**A/N: **I love all your questions, people! They keep me thinking!

**Chapter 5**

_January 17_

_ Sirius,_

_ I just passed Ron in the hall. He gave me a look and said he needed to talk to me. Fuck. He's going to kill me for asking Ginny out. Did I even ask her out, anyway? It's not like we're actually dating or anything. Merlin, I'm going to get it._

_ Shit, here he comes now. I need a cigarette._

Later

_ Wow. Merlin… I'm in a huge state of shock. Ron just came in to talk to me. About Ginny. But he wasn't the slightest bit angry! He… said congratulations. He told me to take care of her, but he was really happy and smiled the whole time. I don't understand that guy. He seemed really pleased._

_ But again, it's not like I fancy Ginny or anything. She's my best friend's little sister! I'm only going to Hermione's cousin's wedding with her; I don't know why Ron made such a big deal out of it._

_ I was partnered with Ginny today for a Care of Magical Creatures project. This year the sixth and seventh years ofevery House have one class together, and Gryffindor has Care of Magical Creatures. We have to raise a niffler over a period of three weeks. I have to keep it this weekend, and the bloody thing is nipping at my feet. I should probably go feed it. And the next time I go into Hogsmeade, I'm buying it a cage. A good sturdy one._

_January 20_

_Sirius,_

_ Today in Transfiguration McGonagall announced that the seventh years are having a dance in May in honor of graduation in June. I say screw it. Dances are for ninnies. I have better things to do than go to some lame dance and stand around like a loser. Give me a break. I'm sure you would agree._

_ Ginny asked me what she should wear to the wedding and I told her I didn't care. She hasn't said anything to me after that. I hope I didn't offend her or anything. Merlin, that would be the worst—hurting Ginny. Ron would think it was serious._

_ I still haven't decided what I'm going to do once I graduate. Dumbledore and McGonagall—and everyone else—reckon I'll be a great asset to Aurors, and they're probably right, but… I don't want to end up like Moody: paranoid with a broken face. I want to play Quidditch, but I don't suppose that's any safer._

_ I can't believe I forgot to tell you this, Sirius… I suppose I'm just used to it or something, but they let Remus come back and teach this year! I still can't believe it, but finally the Ministry has let up a bit and begun to trust Dumbledore. They didn't at all last year. Remus has really evened things up now, since he makes up all the points that Snape takes away. Speaking of Snape, he's been really foul this year. I think his Dark Mark's been burning a lot lately, and there's nothing he can really do about it. I sort of trust him now… I mean, I'll always hate him, and him me, because as Dumbledore said in fifth year, 'some wounds run too deep for healing', but I don't think he's a Death Eater anymore. However, I don't think I'd trust him with my life just yet._

_ I don't think Ron trusts him yet. After all this time, I think he still thinks Snape is a Death Eater. I don't really know… we haven't talked much for a long time. Hermione either… we've all pretty much been alienated from each other. Well, from me, anyway. I've been pretty much anti-world lately, haven't I? Oh, Merlin. Oh… damn. No wonder they've been together most of the time. I've probably been a downright pain in the arse to be around. I probably didn't leave them any choice. Maybe I should—_

_ Hang on. Ginny just came into the dorm._

_ Alright, she's left. She came because she wanted an answer about her choice of clothing. I wasn't so brusque this time… at least, I hope I didn't seem that way. I told her I wasn't a fashion expert, so she should either wear what she thought was appropriate or ask Lavender or Parvati. She had a bed head… I wonder if she was cutting class at this hour. And she was clutching a butterbeer bottle. I hope she isn't making a habit out of drinking. She's only sixteen, after all._

_ Harry_

**A/N: **I'm so incredibly, unbeatably sorry that this was so short. I want to ask you guys something—I want to see how much you guys notice that… okay, how much can you guys see that Harry is… urgh, how do I _put _this? I had it in my head a while ago…

Alright, you see all the things Harry says about Ginny, right? How much of this is _he _himself doing? Ok, really blunt… just irony. There's one subtle one that I want to see who catches.

I'm sorry; I don't make sense today. Thanks for all your votes!

Leave me a wonderful review!

OutofAzkaban


	6. Chapter 6

**chaye710-******Awesome! A new reviewer! You win a prize! Thanks for the compliments—enjoy!

**BlackLupin****- **All is forgiven. And I'm busy working on TBYA as I write this—it's got almost 4000 words so far! I'm kind of behind, I know… but I put aside a _lot _of time today for writing just for you! I'll see what I can do about the Remus situation. Ooh! Brilliant idea has struck the brilliant Mimi. Hehe…

**Potts- **Yes, Harry is being a hypocrite. –sigh- It pains me to see such young ones be so blind… hehe! JK Well, we'll see what happens next!

**Cecilia Orechio- **I want to send out a special thank-you to you for this story. You've always been supportive, inquisitive, and left me long reviews! I feel you deserve special thanks! Keep it up! And yes, Sirius would definitely _not _agree with Harry; that was my point entirely. _I _do not agree with Harry; _Harry _does, keep that in mind. Harry is under the false impression that Sirius would approve of everything he is doing at the moment, and, since Sirius isn't there to tell Harry himself, Harry is left to his own assumptions. And the Ginny bit—yes, that's my ultimate goal. We'll see if it works out.

**uNoeWho****- **Could you give me some more feedback, please? I'm glad you're enjoying it!

**Chapter 6**

_January 21_

_ Sirius,_

_ About two hours ago, around __midnight__, I went to the Common Room and found Ginny Weasley asleep on the couch. I shook her to wake her up, and she just… I don't know. She was drunk and had passed out. She wouldn't wake up, so I sent a message with Hedwig to Hermione to come and open the door to the girls' dormitories. She did, and took Ginny in. After that, I found an empty firewhiskey bottle shoved under the couch._

_ I feel really bad not telling Hermione where I was going, but I don't think she needed to know. I crept into the kitchen, and Dobby was there, just like I'd hoped. I asked him for a butterbeer, since I didn't feel like sneaking out into Hogsmeade right now. I just feel drugged. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep, so I thought I'd write to you. Dobby brought me bottle after bottle, because I kept telling him that it wasn't strong for humans. After about six, though, I think he began to realize I wasn't quite sober anymore and told me to come straight upstairs. _

_ I'm planning a get-together for Ron, Hermione and me in the Hog's Head tomorrow. I haven't told them yet, but I will first thing in the morning (I mean when they wake up, since it's about __2:30 am__ now). I hope it'll at least make up for a little bit of what I've done lately, and maybe they'll forgive me. I hope so—I think we really need to patch up our friendship. It's been falling out ever since sixth year._

_ I really think I'm a bad influence on Ginny. I've found her drinking, cutting class… and I know it's my entire fault. Ron will certainly have my head when he finds out. Maybe I should just break up with her… or whatever you'd call it, since we're not exactly going out. Argh—why do I have to keep telling myself that? Oh well… I'll just talk to her about it and hope she changes the habit. If she doesn't, I'll talk to Ron about her. _

**Later**

_ Oh Merlin. I was in the Great Hall eating lunch, and Ginny comes up to me and asks, "What's wrong?"_

_ "Nothing," I tell her. I suppose I looked really tired or something due to lack of sleep._

_ "Harry, I know you," she says. "It isn't nothing. Really, what is the matter? Did you not sleep?"_

_ "Yes, Ginny," I said tiredly. "Quit pestering me." She looked really offended at that, and I felt really guilty. "Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean that. I guess I'm just grouchy because I didn't get much sleep last night, like you said." _

_She sits down next to me. "I knew it," she said. "What's on your mind?"_

_ "Just crap, Ginny," is all I say. She pouts._

_ "Aw, come on, Harry," she says. "You haven't talked to me—really talked to me—in ages. We used to all the time. Tell me—what's wrong with you?"_

_ "I'm just… really confused about a bunch of shit, Ginny," I say. _

_ "Fine, I won't pry," she says, holding up her hands in front of her. Then she gets serious all of a sudden. "Harry… its Friday. What are you doing?"_

_I don't want to lie to her, so I say, "I'll be up in the dorm, trying to sleep but not succeeding all night." For some reason, at this her eyes lit up. _

_ "Then why don't you come with me? A bunch of my friends and I are going to that new club-type thing they opened in Hogsmeade. Join us!"_

_ "No thanks, Ginny," I say. "Clubs definitely aren't my sort of thing."_

_ "Oh come on, it'll be fun," she pleads. She whines all through lunch, so I finally agree and she squeals. _

_ "Thanks, Harry! __Seven o'clock__ in the Common Room!" she says over her shoulder._

_What have I gotten myself into?_

_January 22_

_Sirius,_

_ It's three-thirty in the morning right now, but again I can't sleep. I just got back from the Psychic Llama (that's the name of that new club) with Ginny and all her friends. This is what it turned out to be like:_

_ I went downstairs to meet everyone at __seven o'clock__, and they were already there. It was Ginny, Michael Corner (I guess they remained friends then or something), Neville, Lavendar, Parvati, Luna, and a few other people I didn't know. I wonder why she didn't invite Ron and Hermione? Anyway, we all went down to the club, and while everyone started dancing, I sat down and ordered a drink. The bartender was a little creepy… I think he was new at the whole bartending business and took his job very seriously. He brought me a firewhiskey really quickly. Everyone (including Ginny) was too busy dancing to talk to me. Not that I cared or anything. The place was really boring, and much too bright. The music was loud and hurt my ears—it was like this constant drumming going on inside my head._

_ After about two hours, Ginny comes over to me, looking breathless and her face was a little red. She pleads with me again, but this time to dance. I tell her no firmly, because dancing isn't my thing._

_ "Oh, Harry. Everyone can dance—come on."_

_ "Ginny, how many times do you have to ask me? I will not dance. Period."_

_ "Harry, its fun! Come on- let loose a little."_

_ "Ginny! Leave me the fuck alone! I only came because you were whining. I won't give in again! Now leave me alone!"_

_She looked really hurt and then left. I felt kind of guilty, but I didn't say anything to her. I don't think she danced after that._

_ Towards the end of the evening, we were preparing to wrap it up, and Ginny pulled me aside while everyone was getting their coats. _

_ "Harry," she said. "I'm really, really sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you into any of that and I know it. From now on, I'll just leave you alone."_

_ "Actually, Ginny," I said, "that's what I want. But you shouldn't be apologizing."_

_ "Why not, Harry?" I swear, that girl is so naïve. _

_ "Never mind, Ginevra," I say sharply and turn away to leave._

_ "Harry?" she asks softly. For some reason, I turn around, but still have a glare on my face._

_ "What?"_

_ "I was wondering… if you weren't busy or anything… I mean if you didn't have anything else to do… would you go out with me?"_

_Sirius, you'll never believe what I did. I said yes. I don't know why! It might be because her eyes were so big and pleading… or because she sounded so sincere… I don't know!_

_ And now I'm in deep shit. Especially with Ron—if I break up with her, he'll break me. I don't want to end up marrying Ginny, Sirius! I don't know how to say no to her, and I don't know how to break any of this off without hurting her. You were an expert on women—tell me, what do I do?_

_ Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? You're not here. You're dead, Sirius. Dead. Why am I even wasting time and ink on this? It's just a bunch of bull. Nothing's 'helping' me, and I don't need help. I can take care of myself. I'm seventeen._

_ This is all bull._

_ I just got a letter from Hedwig. I mean, not from Hedwig… oh, never mind. It says:_

Mr. Potter,

You need not know who I am. But I will tell you that I can help you. I do not agree with the headmaster Dumbledore about your 'therapy'. You do not have any problems, Mr. Potter. I understand you. You are acting as normally as anyone could. It is the world that is wrong.

Meet me by the witch's hump at midnight tomorrow night. I'm sure you know where that is.

_I have to admit, it's a little creepy, but I'll take anything right now. Including a smoke._

_ Harry_


	7. Chapter 7

**Cecilia Orechio- **Thanks for your constant support! Yes, well, maybe one day he'll fix things with his two best friends. Yes, Harry is influencing Ginny and doesn't even know it. I'm trying to make her naïve but at the same time mature. Ah, the note. You'll see very soon.

**potts- **No, nobody knows Harry's writing to Sirius except Dumbledore. Thanks for reviewing!

**uNoeWho- **Thanks for reviewing!

**FoREvEr ends- **Aww, I want everyone to like Ginny! In your review or in an email, let me know what I can do to make Ginny more likable, okay? I really didn't intend for her to turn out that way, but I can see where you're coming from…

**Chapter 7**

_January 23_

_Sirius,_

_It's __one a.m.__, but I can't sleep. Ginny and I just got back from our… outing? I'm not going to call it a 'date', because it wasn't._

_The evening started off technically in the Common Room. She was waiting for me when I got there. She was wearing a short dress and her hair was down and curled._

_"Friends, right?" I asked when I came down._

_"What?" she asked, startled and confused._

_"We're doing this as friends, right?"_

_She looked down and then back up at me again._

_"Right," she said softly. "Friends._

_"Where do you want to go? She asked after we had descended. I shrugged. "Well, it's wherever you want to go," she said._

_I had never had this kind of freedom before. "Whatever," I said. Her eyes narrowed._

_"Harry James Potter, I invited you here to have a good time, so don't give me any of that. Now choose where we're going."_

_I had never seen Ginny like that, and it kind of shocked me._

_"Um, isn't the woman supposed to choose?" I asked. Ginny did that thing where she looked at the floor and then back at me again._

_"She does," she said quietly. "On a date."_

_I wasn't getting these mood swings (maybe you could help me, Sirius—you're an expert on women) but I suggested we go to the Three Broomsticks and she cheered up a bit. We ordered butterbeers and talked._

_"So how is seventh year, Harry?" she asked. "Fred and George told me how stressful fifth year is with O.W.L.s, but with N.E.W.T.s I imagine seventh year is harder."_

_I shrugged. Then because I knew she didn't like that, I said, "I don't know. I haven't been doing all that much work… the only class I'm passing is Defense Against the Dark Arts."_

_Ginny gasped softly. "But Harry! That's terrible… you do want to graduate, don't you?"_

_"Of course I do," I snapped. This girl was becoming like Hermione. "I want to get out of this place… and become an Auror."_

_"Well, I think it's good you're doing well in Defense Against the Dark Arts then, Harry," she said hesitantly._

_I didn't bother to correct her that I had said "passing", and barely, Sirius. Remus says he's worried about me, but I don't see why. I'm Dumbledore's 'favorite boy', as Malfoy would put it, the idiot. Honestly, what is it with this world?_

_We talked for a little while, had a few butterbeers (I had to stop her from having a fourth) and headed back to the Common Room and said our goodnights around twelve-thirtyn._

_It sounds like a boring evening, Sirius, but it actually wasn't, surprisingly. As I'm writing this I must say that I actually enjoyed this evening._

_I've got a Potions essay on temporary Animagus potions (which I'm sure you'd know), an essay on "How To Concoct Successful Potions" (courtesy of Ron catching Snape's greasy hair on fire), a Transfiguration essay, and a project to work on for Care of Magical Creatures. I also have an essay for History of Magic, fifty-three pages of reading in my Defense Against the Dark Arts book, and once I've finished observing my niffler for Care of Magical Creatures, I have to write an observation that has to be six inches long._

_Maybe I'll do it all tomorrow. They are really loading us down to "prepare" us for N.E.W.T.s. I don't need this anyway. I'm going to be an Auror and work for the Ministry of Magic. The government—Sirius, when I was a little kid, maybe around eight, I used to dream of working for the government; leaving the Dursleys and being a spy or something. Maybe this is me now, fulfilling my childhood dream of then._

_Oops—sorry there's a smudge right above there, but some ash fell onto the parchment and I brushed it off really quickly._

_All of a sudden now I'm really tired. I guess we'll call it a night then, Sirius._

_Still the same bloody day, only now I've had a bit of breakfast and I'm skipping Potions. At least now Snape can't drill me for not turning in the essays._

_At breakfast today Hermione asked me about grades and N.E.W.T.s and stuff (you know that's all Hermione ever thinks about) and I told her I don't know, and told her my grades. She nearly fainted from shock, I swear. She started lecturing me (quietly, thank Merlin) about how I need to bring my grades up._

_"Hermione, I'm going to be an Auror. I already know what I'm going to be; who cares?" I had said._

_"But Harry! To become an Auror you have to _graduate_ first! How do you expect to do that with the grades you've currently got?"_

_"Dumbledore'll let me," I mumbled. "He knows I'm smart."_

_"Smart? But Harry, you've got to prove it!" she said._

_"Oh yeah? Who defeated Voldemort in first and second year? Who got through the TriWizard Tournament, solved the riddle and escaped from Voldemort again? I think that's enough credits," I said hotly._

_"Harry…" Hermione rubbed her forehead. "Let's go, we'd better get to Potions."_

_"I'll catch up with you guys in a little while," I said, and Hermione and Ron headed to the dungeons._

_Ginny just came into the dorm. I swear that girl won't leave me alone._

_"Harry?" she had asked shyly. "I know you're having trouble in school, but… I was wondering if… you needed my help at all…?"_

_"_No_, Ginny… don't you have to be in class?"_

_"Don't you?"_

_"Well yes, but-"_

_"Look Harry, if you can skip class then I can too! So leave me the hell alone—I'm not a baby anymore! And it's not like my grades are in jeopardy, anyway!" She stormed out._

_A letter just got dropped on my desk—I think it was by a school owl because I think I recognize it. The letter says:_

Mr. Potter,

I saw you at the Three Broomsticks when you were supposed to have been meeting me. I was a little shocked—I thought you would have liked to meet me.

I shall give you another chance, but only one more. Tonight by the witch's hump.

_I had forgotten about that meeting! I suppose I'll go tonight—maybe I'll even do an essay first._

_Harry_

**A/N: **There you go guys, Chapter 7! I'm sorry it completely sucked and was painfully short, but next chapter will be more interesting—I promise. New people, fights… it's all good. J


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_January 27_

_ Dear Sirius,_

_ I actually went to meet this person… the one that sent me the notes. And surprisingly, she was really nice. Yes, she. Her name is Danielle. She's a blonde, but only physically. (You know how I make cracks about the lot of them.) She's really smart. She's in Ravenclaw and she says she's new this year._

_ She seems really nice, Sirius, and unlike any other girl I've ever met. We're meeting later for butterbeer… maybe I'll skip Potions._

_ I just got back from lunch with Danielle. What a great time—much better than wasting time with Snape. We had a great conversation; I really think she understands me._

_ "Hey Harry," she had said. "I already ordered your drink." I sat down next to her._

_ "So what class are you skipping right now?"_

_I laughed. "You know me too well. Today I decided to run out on Snape."_

_She nodded. "Good choice. I absolutely can't stand him! The way he favors the Slytherins so much… it's disgusting." I agreed very much._

_ We talked about a lot—school, Quidditch (she really knows a lot; even gave me some tips), N.E.W.T.s, the Dursleys… she didn't pressure me at all about being famous or my parents or anything._

_ Danielle's a really fun person, Sirius. I wish you were around to meet her._

_ I've asked Ron and Hermione to the Psychic Llama tomorrow night. I won't be dancing, of course, but I thought we could finally catch up._

_ I've been a little cheerier lately, Sirius. It's pretty odd for me. I'm not sure if I like it, but… it seems to work._

_January 28_

_ Dear Sirius, _

_I was waiting in the Psychic Llama holding a table for the three of us. It wasn't like Hermione to be late, but it was like Ron, so I didn't know what to expect._

_Ron comes running in pretty late, with Hermione behind him yelling something. I smiled, but something wasn't right. Ron was puffing really hard and his ears were red._

_"You let my sister get drunk?" he yelled, loud enough for the whole club to hear._

_"I- um…"_

_"I let you take her out one night, I even approved, and you let her drink till she's tipsy?"_

_"Well-"_

_"Well what!"_

_"Ron, please," Hermione quietly intervened. "Can we take this somewhere a little more private?"_

_"Hermione, how do you expect me to react-?"_

_"Ronald," she said sharply. She looked pointedly around the room. Everyone was staring._

_"Oh," he said. "Right. Erm, sorry everyone."_

_Ron walked out, Hermione behind him, and I followed. Once we were safely out of earshot of the villagers, Ron exploded again._

_"So what the hell is your problem?" he demanded._

_"Look Ron, it was your sister's choice. Ginny's sixteen now; I'm not going to try to control her. Especially when I'm not her brother or anything."_

_"You thought it was okay for a sixteen-year-old to drink? Just because you can't control you drinking, Harry, doesn't mean you have to influence my sister."_

_BAM.__ My fist collided with Ron's cheekbone. He held his bleeding face and stared at me. Hermione took his shoulders and glared at me as she led him away._

_"Harry," she said. "I was willing to come here today and forgive and forget. I know I haven't exactly been the best friend, spending more time with Ron and everything._

_"But this is going too far. I can't watch you hit your best friend."_

_ "Best friend?" I spat. "When did you two stop being my best friends? We'll see who has any best friends tomorrow."_

_ She looked at the snow. She looked at me and bit her lip._

_ "Bye, Harry."_

_Who needs them, anyway? You'd think they thought they were my saviors who rescued me from utter peril or something. _

_ And I don't have a drinking problem. What is wrong with people? Have they never seen a teenager go out and have fun and drink a night? You'd think we were all Puritans and I was the odd man out._

_ It's freezing out here—I'm on the Quidditch pitch instead of in the castle. Even though it's snowing, being on the pitch makes me a little more comfortable. It's freezing, so before I die of cold I'm going to go up to the dormitory. I've only got about another half hour before class lets out and it's time for dinner._

_ So I get back to the dorm with the fire blazing, and guess who was lying on my bed? Ginny. Yeah. Perfect, huh? I asked her what she thought she was doing. When she looked at me, her eyes were puffy and sore, her nose was red and her cheeks were wet._

_ "I'm sorry, Harry," she sniffed. "I know you kind of hate me being around you, but Ron is really mad at me so I just want to be away from him for a little while. I know he'd never miss a meal." She sniffed again._

_ I had to admit, she was right about the meal thing._

_ "Ginny, I don't… I don't hate being around you. You can stay… Ron's mad at me too. …Drinking?"_

_She nodded. "And you for… letting me?"_

_"Yep."_

_We were silent for a minute, an awkward silence._

_"Well, I'll order enough for both of us." I said. She stared at me blankly._

_"Food," I explained. "You've got to eat."  
"Harry, there's no room service at Hogwarts. How are you supposed to get food for us without going downstairs?"_

_I grinned. "I have my ways." Taking out a piece of parchment, I wrote:_

Send up enough food for two.

Harry.

_Tying the parchment to Hedwig's leg, I whispered, "Take this to Dobby."_

**A/N: **Well there you have it! Chapter 8. Sorry it took me so long.

Don't really have anything to say, but review!

OOA


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_January 29_

_ Dear Sirius,_

_ Ginny actually fell asleep in the dorm. Thankfully Ron is sleeping on the sofa in the Common Room because he's angry with me, and this morning when I led her back to her dorm he was asleep and didn't notice._

_ It's Saturday, thank Merlin, so I think I'll hang out with Danielle today. Not in Hogsmeade, because everyone will be there… we might go to the Shrieking Shack or just meet somewhere else._

_ She's a really good friend, Sirius. I can't believe I found her right when I needed her. She's not too pretty, and I'm not attracted to her, don't get me wrong; she just listens. That's all I need right now. Not like my so-called "friends" who do nothing but judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. She listens and she understands, Sirius. I know you would do that for me if you were still here. Just like a father. My father._

_ McGonagall told us in class that we had to begin sending in our applications for whatever jobs we considered a possibility. I'm definitely going to play Quidditch, so I don't need any backups. I think I'll tackle that today and talk with Danielle later tonight. I think Hermione's rubbed off on me after seven years… she's probably sent about fifty of hers in already, knowing her._

_ I can't believe I'm even thinking about her! We aren't friends anymore, and she chooses to hang out with Ron. It's fine with me. I don't need either of them._

_January 30_

_ Danielle's great. She bought me this broomstick-serving kit for no reason; it reminds me of the one Hermione bought for me years ago, only much better._

_ We walked to the Shrieking Shack and just talked, like we always do… Now that I think about it, I'm usually the one who does most of the talking. I actually haven't heard much from her about herself. I guess she's shy, maybe._

_ "Hi, Harry," she said. We sat down on the floor. It brought back so many memories of you and third year, Sirius._

_ I pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey (smaller than what I usually get) and we shared. I spilled my thoughts and emotions and she listened, like always. Then I told her about Ron and Hermione._

_ "You don't need them, Harry," she said. "If they just judge you al the time, they're not really your friends. Forget them. I'm all you need."_

_ I smiled and nodded and kept talking then, but now that kind of spooks me. I mean, Ron and Hermione have been there for me since first year… sure, we've had our fights, but we stuck together. They came with me in third year when I met you, and they were among the few that believed me in fifth year. Ron and Hermione both stuck with me as far as they could in first and second year when I battled Voldemort._

_ If that's not true friendship, Sirius, I don't know what is._

_Harry_

**A/N: **Sorry it's so short… I wrote it in forty minutes last night before I went to bed! I thought it was horrible… but at least it's something. The next chapter will be more plot evolution, I think.

Leave me a pretty review!

OutofAzkaban

**Code112358132134- **Yes indeed, you do. I think I forgot to tell you I wanted to use the Psychic Llama thing… you don't mind, do you? J Sirius is NOT out there, hon. You must indeed get over it. And I'm not planning any catfight between Ginny and Adriana… giggles for reasons unbeknownst to you If you're looking for one, I suggest you check another story.

**Cecilia Orechio- **No, Harry has not talked to Remus yet about anything besides class and such. Good idea! Remus-talking… next chapter? We'll see.

**FoREvEr**** ends- **Of course you'll get more info about Adriana. You didn't think I'd leave it at that, did you?

**potts****-******Teachers don't care, but if you don't make it up, your grade drops.

**roxygurl25-******Thanks, Mel. (I know, I hate Harry too!)


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **I have decided to change Adriana's name to Danielle, because many people are getting confused between the stories. So Adriana will be Danielle from now on.

**Chapter 10**

_February 15_

_Dear Sirius,_

_Hermione's cousin's wedding was yesterday. Ginny and I went together, and Ron and Hermione went together. It was okay, I guess… nothing really worth remembering. It was all routine… well, until the four of us went out for drinks after the reception. That part was a bit more enjoyable. Hermione was the first to get drunk—no surprise there; she's such a goody-goody and never drinks—and Ron followed soon afterward. Obviously by now I have a high tolerance for alcohol, so during that whole time I didn't get completely intoxicated. Ginny, surprisingly, didn't either. She was much closer than I was, but surprisingly good with her drinks._

_We took a Portkey back to Hogwarts since Ginny can't Apparate yet. As soon as we were back in the Common Room, Hermione passed out. Ron and I both took her up the stairs, after Ginny had opened the door and went back down, though we both knew it only took one of us to carry her. We lay her down in her bed and I covered her with the blanket. We both stared… but I think only Ron was really looking, drinking in her appearance._

_"She's beautiful, isn't she?" Ron said. I didn't say anything; after all, she's Ron's girlfriend. "Say yes," Ron said, smiling faintly._

_"Yes," I croaked. We both smiled briefly, a shared moment. "Well," I said, clearing my throat. "Goodnight, Ron."_

_"Goodnight," Ron said, walking toward the stairs. He turned around. "We'll talk sometime, yeah?" he asked quietly._

_I hesitated. After a while, I said:_

_"Yeah."_

_Ron smiled and went down the stairs. After a bit, I followed._

_Ginny and I were the only ones left in the Common Room. Ron had gone up to bed—it was about eleven._

_"Harry?" Ginny asked softly as I was walking towards the staircase to the boys' dormitories, so softly I almost hadn't heard her._

_"Yeah?" I said as I turned around._

_"Can—Can we talk?"_

_"Uh… sure, Ginny." We sat down on the couch, at opposite ends. She was silent. "Yeah?" I said._

_She sighed. "I… I have a confession to make. I've been lying… to everyone… for a long time. I have a problem. It's not too big… yet. I want to stop it before it becomes big._

_"I have a problem with alcohol, Harry. I've been hiding it… for nearly a year now. Maybe not quite so long, but I want to stop it before it gets any worse. Hermione found half a dozen empty butterbeer bottles under my bed when she was summoning all the junk to clean the dorm, and confronted me about it."_

_"Ginny," I asked slowly, shocked, "why do you drink?"_

_"I dunno," she shrugged, then thought about it more carefully. "I guess I started… I was under so much stress. Grades, stupid boyfriends, Ron still treating me like a child even though I'm sixteen…" She looked up from her hands at me. "Liking someone even though I knew I could never have them… it was all a mess in my head."_

_"Who?" I asked._

_"Huh?"_

_"Who could you never have?"_

_"Oh, it doesn't matter," she said, waving it away. "I didn't know what to do about it. I stayed up all night crying, I lost sleep… then I found a solution in alcohol. I wouldn't have, but… a person I knew was, and I drank with them once, and I… just followed." I wondered who the person was._

_"But that's not the point. The point is that now I'm joining a support group. In Hogsmeade. And… I think that maybe you should come."_

_"What?" I yelped. "What makes you think I need help?"_

_"Harry, the way you drank today… you just kept taking them. It's not normal. It's not good."_

_"I can stop whenever I damn feel like it, Ginevra Weasley! I don't need one of those sissy support groups. They're for losers. Pathetic idiots."_

_"I'm going to one," Ginny said softly._

_"Well, that's you, Ginny! And you'd do well to keep your nose outta my damn business!" I took a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it, pacing._

_"And you really shouldn't smoke either," she said softly. "Lung damage."_

_"Oh my God!" I exclaimed in frustration, and stormed off._

_I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have done that, Sirius. But what was I supposed to do? She was telling me to join a bloody support group, for Merlin's sake! Like she knew everything… bloody kids, I'm telling you. She's only sixteen._

_Harry_

**A/N: **So there ya go. This is more story-ish rather than letter-ish, but that's okay. Tell me what you think!

OutofAzkaban

* * *

**roxygurl25-**You're right, I probably shouldn't hate him; I created him. Oh well. I hate him.

**potts****-**Get writing your ficcy! Good observation yet again. Tell some of these dimwits about it. (Just kidding, guys! I love you all!)

**code112358132134-**Thanks so much! You're brilliant too!

Where are the rest of you guys?


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_February 17_

_Dear Sirius,_

_Ginny told me today that she's going to that group thing. Hermione and Ron both said they want to talk to me, so I made plans with them for this afternoon. It's time to go to class; everyone's leaving. I probably should go, but I have so much work to catch up on so I'm going to stay here and try to do some of it. I know there's a lot, but I'll at least get some of it done…_

_I just looked at the workload and Merlin, I've got a lot to do! Maybe a smoke would help... what am I thinking? Of course it would; it always does. I guess I'll start with Defense homework; I always was good at that._

_Hedwig just flew in and dropped a letter on my desk- it's from Danielle! How did she get Hedwig to deliver a letter… never mind. It says:_

Harry,

Miss you. Wanna hang out tonight? Danielle.

_I really want to talk to Danielle again—it's been a while. But I'm meeting Ron and Hermione tonight…_

Danielle,

Sorry, I'm meeting my friends. Maybe another time.

_Hopefully she understands. I'm not about to bail on my friends again. I'm above that._

_

* * *

_

_Sirius,_

_So I just met with Ron and Hermione, (its __ten o'clock__ now) in the Three Broomsticks. It was amazing—almost like old times. I miss those times. What happened to those days, Sirius? Where did they go? What changed?_

_I can see why Hermione and Ron make such a great couple. They're so great together. I wonder what I didn't notice before…_

_Ginny came back from that ridiculous support thing, and for some reason feels the need to tell me all about it. I told her to go to bed like a good girl. She scowled, but went._

_Damn! I just remembered I have to send in my application thing to become an Auror (Hermione, as I suspected, sent hers in ages ago. What did I tell you?). Oh, well… they can wait… I'll always have a spot at the Ministry as an Auror… I am, after all, Harry Potter. I suppose I'll send it in tomorrow. Remind me, would you?_

_What the hell am I doing! I'm talking to a piece of paper. Dammit, I think I'm losing it! God… you're dead, Sirius, and you're never coming back! Why can't I accept that? What is wrong with me?_

_Are smoking and drinking worse for you if you do it at the same time? Oh well, I'm relaxed—its all good._

_I'm talking to a piece of parchment. What is Dumbledore trying to do? Maybe he has gone off his rocker. Is he trying to make me acquire another addiction?_

_Another. I said "another addiction." Why did I do that? Blast! Here I am talking to an inanimate object again. Maybe I'm too drunk._

_I just admitted I had an addiction and that I was drunk. Oh Merlin. My hand's wobbling all over the place as I write this._

_Dammit, Sirius! I don't care if you're dead and I don't care if you're never going to see this and I'm never going to see you. I need my godfather here with me now. I need someone to talk to. I need some guidance._

_Maybe I'll just talk to Danielle… tomorrow. If I'm not too hung-over to talk._

_I miss you, Sirius. I've been masking it for the longest time with all sorts of things, but I need you. You were my father, my brother. I need you here and I need you now. Why is everything in my life so wrong? I don't have you. I hadn't talked to Ron and Hermione in so long, and spending time with them today was so familiarly foreign. You know? I miss being with them so much; I realized that today. But I just haven't been with them in so long… I've adopted this new lifestyle. I remembered being with them all the time a long time ago, and yet being with them is so foreign because I haven't done it in so long. So many things have changed, Sirius, and yet almost nothing has. Why am I doing this, Sirius?_

_I suppose I could talk to Danielle about it… but honestly, what help has she been, ever? All she's done is listen to me prattle on… she's never comforted me or offered advice. Is she really all that great?_

_A million colors and thoughts and feelings and echoes are swirling about in my head. Maybe I'll think about this tomorrow, when they've subsided._

_Harry_

**A/N: **I have a feeling you guys are going to like at least parts of this one… I'm gonna work really hard on updating this one too.

I'm short on time, so short review responses. Sorry!

(Oh yeah… and on another site I post on, I was voted Miss Fan Fiction out of all the other contestants! I also got 2 first places and 2 second places. Aren't you proud?)

More feedback/reviews this time please.

OutofAzkaban

**potts-**I already replied to yours and I'm short on time. Thanks for reviewing!

**ghst.sama-**I answered yours too already and shame on you for catching that! LOL actually, kudos.

**nwsbysboomerang-** Thanks so much! It makes me feel special. (I love the newsboys!)

**IamSiriusgrl-** She's Danielle now. J


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_February 19_

_Dear Sirius,_

_Dumbledore called me into his office and gave me something… well, it was really weird. He called me in during breakfast—I was actually up earlier than usual, so it was really early for me—and was all, "Harry, I noticed you've been a bit preoccupied lately."_

_"Professor," I had said, "I'm fine—"_

_"Let me finish," he said. "I've been through this also, though not at your age. That is why I want to give you this." He pulled out a fishbowl with a silvery liquid inside._

_"Professor, what is that?"_

_"You know perfectly well what this is, Harry. You've been inside one yourself. I'm sure you remember." I gasped. "Yes, Harry. It's a Pensieve. You really shouldn't have need for one at your age, but I figured it may come in handy. Not right now, maybe, but some time in the near future."_

_"How do I use it, exactly? I mean, I know you put your thoughts in it, but… how? What's the spell?" Dumbledore only winked and left._

_I'm not "preoccupied"! I'm perfectly fine. And has he been watching me? Merlin, that's creepy. I don't even know how to work it! I've seen Dumbledore put his wand up to his temple and take a thought out, but I have no idea how to. I guess it's worth a try._

_Well, I tried simply putting my wand up to my temple, and nothing happened. Why the hell would Dumbledore give me this if I can't even work it? That man is confusing me more and more._

_

* * *

_

_Oh. Merlin._

_You'll never, in a million years, guess where I've been. Ginny asked me to meet her in Hogsmeade. I hesitated, but eventually went. Turned out it was that moron group and she had tricked me into coming! God, I am so ashamed and embarrassed. Am I really that stupid?_

_So anyway, I'm sitting in this room full of idiots. They're all fidgeting, some were twitching. I felt so out of place. Ginny wasn't like any of them; perfectly normal, but in some weird way she didn't seem all that out of place or awkward. She said hi to a few people as we walked in. I followed her to a chair and sat as she said a few more hellos._

_When group started… man, it was torture. Merlin, Sirius, these people were in deep… this girl Kara was all "Hi, I'm Kara and I'm an alcoholic. I've got a serious problem with drinking. Sometimes it consumes me. I drink when I'm stressed to relax a little, but I never have only a little. It always gets out of control." Man, that sucks. This other guy Caleb was like, "I'm Caleb. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink in twenty-eight days." Everyone clapped… like this was a big deal! I mean, I haven't had a drink in… well, a couple days, but it's not like I drink so much at a time. I haven't had a cigarette in… about seven hours… and now I'm craving one again._

_Why, Sirius? I smoke when I'm stressed… but I'm not stressed right now! Why the hell do I need one now? I'm so confused… but I've got to take care of this craving._

_There, that's better. Aw, shit—I just remembered that I forgot to send in my job application! I guess I'll do it now, since I'm up…_

Name: Harry James Potter

Age: seventeen

Birthdate: July 31, 1987

Current occupation: Student

_Well, there's a long list more, but I'll do that after I'm done with this letter and send it with Hedwig. I'm glad I don't have to worry about sending in backup applications, because filling out all these forms is a pain in the arse. I mean, they've gotta let me in. How could they not? Besides being a pain, these nuisance applications cost quite a bit, too, and since I don't have a job right now… I thought I'd be okay with the money my parents left me—it was a lot, you have to admit—but surprisingly, when I went to my Gringotts vault to buy an application (well, I didn't actually go to the vault; the bank owl-mailed my vault information to me) it was surprisingly low. I probably shouldn't buy anything for a while and let the account grow. I wonder what could have emptied my vault._

_Wow. I just looked at what cigarettes cost, and the drinks I've been buying at the Hog's Head this year… man, no wonder my vault balance was low! With the amount of packs I've been smoking lately, and my drinks… I should stop. At least stop buying so many… maybe I can suppress the cravings. After all, I'm Harry Potter._

_Am I an alcoholic, Sirius?_

_Harry_

**A/N: **Hope you liked… I wrote it in like a day. Leave me great feedback! (Ignore typos... I didn't proof-read.)

OutofAzkaban

**topps****-** Thanks for reviewing!

**ghst.sama****-** I already emailed you about this. I've decided against Harry/Ginny permanently… and you'll see why he can't get together with Danielle in the end.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **Hey everyone! Sorry it's been so long—school, homework, finals… it was a lot of work. But now its summer and I'm hoping to finish off one or two of my stories this summer! Woot!

**_IMPORTANT! _**Everyone needs to read this, because apparently last time some of you guys didn't read the A/N and therefore didn't get the message. The girl who was Adriana is now Danielle—just a name change because some people were getting confused. So same person, different name. I'll also go back and fix previous chapters so new readers get it too. Just keep that in mind and enjoy!

**Chapter 13**

_February 23_

_ Dear Sirius,_

_ Danielle asked me out for coffee and I told her yes. I've been rereading my last letter and I'm really confused. Am I an alcoholic? I have no idea… and what's with my attack of Danielle? She was the one who always listened, who didn't judge._

_ Danielle already had the coffee when I met her, and we took a walk through Hogsmeade. I told her all of what was going on. At first she looked sympathetic, but then she looked angry._

_ "Harry!" she yelled, grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me. "Listen to me. Who told you that you were an alcoholic?"_

_ "N-no one," I said, surprised by her reaction. I just—"_

_ "Your friend Ginny took you to that support group of alcoholics, right?"_

_ "Well, yeah—"_

_ "And Ron and Hermione have been telling you that you're different, you should change, blah, blah, blah."_

_ "It wasn't exactly like that—"_

_ "Harry, you must stop hanging out with these people! They're torturing your mind! They're destroying you! Listen to me. These people are trying to take away your individuality. They're trying to make you one of them. You've seen Ron and Hermione lately—all happy and jolly and lovey-dovey."_

But not Ginny,_ I thought. _

_ "Do you really want to become like that, Harry? Listen. You must stop associating with these people. Stop spending time with them altogether."_

_ "But… they're the only people who'll still talk to me after I went through that… change. They're my only friends, Danielle."_

_ "You've got me." She smiled._

_ "Harry?"_

_I spun around. Ron and Hermione were standing there, smiling but looking a little concerned. _

_ "Who were you talking to?" Ron asked, puzzled._

_ "Oh." I smiled, relieved they hadn't overheard. "Guys, this is Danielle." I gestured to where she stood._

_Ron and Hermione exchanged glances._

_ "Harry," Hermione said gently, "there's no one there." I spun around wildly. Hermione was right._

_ "Where did she go?" I asked._

_ "Harry, Ron and I saw you from back there." She pointed. "It took us a good five minutes to walk here. No one was here the whole time." She frowned slightly._

_ "She was here; I was just talking to her," I muttered. "I guess you just didn't see her."_

_It was a little odd, Sirius… maybe she just had somewhere to be and rushed off?_

_ Sorry about that giant ink spill… Danielle just showed up in my dorm! She scared me so much I tipped the inkwell over. When I asked her how she came here, she just said "Walked" and avoided answering. She had two bottles in her hands and handed me one—it was a bottle of really strong whiskey from the Hog's Head, something I'd never had before. It was incredibly strong and burned on the way down._

_ "Where did you go this morning?" I asked her. "I was going to introduce you to my friends and when I looked back, you were gone."_

_ "I had somewhere to be," she said quietly._

_ "Danielle," I said, taking the initiative, "I've known you for so long and still I don't know anything about you. What's your family like?"_

_She was quiet for a moment, then replied. "My parents live in __London__, in a small house in Godric's Hollow. My dad was a Quidditch player and sometimes we train together. My mom had a small job with Gringotts for a little while when I was growing up, but now they're both Aurors."_

_ "Any brothers or sisters?"_

_She shook her head. "I've got one cousin on my mom's side, but we don't see him or his family that often. They're Muggles."_

_Something inside myself told me I should stop asking questions about her._

_"So, now it's my turn," I said. "What would you like to know about me?"_

_She grinned devilishly, but in a cute way. "I already know everything about you, Harry."_

_"Oh really?"__ I teased. "What's my favorite color?"_

_"Green," she answered._

_"When's my birthday?"_

_"July thirty-first."_

_"Who are my parents?"_

_She paused a moment, looking a little sad. "Were, Harry. Your parents—Lily and James Potter—are dead."_

_I turned and looking out the window, suddenly resenting this game._

_"Harry?" she said softly. I turned around. Her blue eyes were ice. "Want to know your deepest, darkest secret?" _

_I said nothing._

_"Your deepest, darkest secret," she continued, "is that your parents died. Then your guardian—your father, your brother—died and left you here, in this world. Your friends abandoned you. You've never had a real girlfriend, just that silly Cho Chang. No one loves you anymore—no silly little fan club, no Dumbledore, not even little Colin Creevey. Your secret, Harry James Potter, is that you're completely and utterly alone."_

_ I said nothing as she got up and left, leaving her whiskey. Ginny came in as she was leaving._

_ "Harry, who were you talking to? And where did you get those?" she pointed to the two whiskey bottles._

_ "Danielle," I said miserably, answering both questions. "She's the one who walked out when you walked in."_

_ "Is that supposed to be funny? No one has been in Gryffindor Tower besides you and me. I've been in the Common Room all night."_

_ I said nothing to that, and Ginny left. I realized Danielle was right—I was alone. _

_I also said nothing as something wet fell onto the letter. Maybe there's a leak in the roof._

**A/N: **Let me know if you catch any of the subtleties in Harry's mind. Leave me lots of feedback!

OutofAzkaban

**noisy**** lil brat- **Thanks for the review, but could I please have some more feedback?

**code112358132134-** Thanks!

**roxygurl25-** Already explained who Danielle was. J

**potts-******Your reviews are always the best and the longest! Thanks for being so suck-uppy:P No really, I love it.

**IamSiriusgrl-** Thanks! Could I have more feedback?

**ghst.sama-******No one said he's gonna be a good boy and stop drinking and smoking. Sorry the update wasn't fast.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

_February 28_

_Sirius,_

_ I don't even know why I write "Sirius" at the tops of these damned letters. It's stupid, pointless and suggesting there's something mentally wrong with me. Sirius is dead, dear God._

_ I haven't talked to Danielle since the day she ran out when Ginny came in. I wish she wouldn't do that. I don't understand why she does; she's not bad-looking or have anything to be ashamed of. Maybe she's just shy or something…? I don't understand how she disappears so quickly, either… I don't think anyone can run that fast. Maybe she can Apparate? Haha, Hermione would scold me if I voiced that when she was here: "You can't Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!" She'd probably send me reading _Hogwarts, A History _for real at that._

_ Oddly, I miss that. A little. Having friends so close you can predict what they'll do… hell, having friends at all. I mean, I suppose I have Danielle… sometimes, and Ginny's around, but not so much anymore. I think she's been avoiding me since our last encounter._

_ I walked in on her in the Common Room a couple days ago. She was sitting on the couch facing the fire, her back to me. I saw two empty bottles laying on the floor next to her, and they weren't butterbeer bottles. I called out her name and she turned around. Her eyes and nose were red and blotchy, like she had been crying. She hiccupped._

_ "Hi, Harry," she slurred. She got up from the couch and stumbled as she tried to walk._

_ "Are you drunk?" I asked stupidly. I knew she was. I should, of all people. She grinned a silly grin at me and made her way over to me, stumbling, and fell forward. I caught her in my arms. She giggled a bubbly, drunk giggle and, without warning, pressed her lips against mine. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there. She pulled back and passed out. I caught her again and laid her on the couch. And for some reason, I sat there for a while… and began petting her hair. After a couple minutes I realized what I was doing and bolted back to my dorm. I hate putting it that way—bolted—but that's seriously what I did._

_ The next morning as I came out of the dorm for breakfast, I saw Ginny telling some third years to stop breathing so loudly. Then she turned, saw me, turned red and ran to her dorm. I haven't seen her after that. I don't exactly know how to confront her after what happened, and she's clearly avoiding me. Wait… yes I do. Sort of. I have an idea, but… I'll let you know how it turns out. I believe Ginny has the support group the day after tomorrow._

_ Oddly again, this makes me think of Ron and Hermione. Maybe I really should take him up on that talk._

_March 1_

_ I really did. Take him up on the talk, I mean. We went to the Three Broomsticks. I only had one butterbeer the whole time! Probably the whole peer pressure thing. I asked him how Hermione was, and he said fine, but he didn't bring her. The meeting was, after all, between the two of us. I respect him for that._

_ He said he's really enjoying playing Keeper for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, but he would never consider playing Quidditch professionally after we graduate. He's looking to work for the Ministry like his father. I told him I wanted to be an Auror, and had already sent in my application. He seemed impressed that I had sent it in already, but all he said was, "You should probably bring your grades up if you want to get the job." It wasn't snobby or anything; just the truth. Maybe he's right. I'll try, at least._

_ We were chatting about everyday stuff—like two people who hadn't seen each other for years and were just being polite. Nothing personal; all general. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he asks, "Do you still smoke, Harry?"_

_ It caught me totally off-guard. I told him, "Yes, once in a while, when I need to. Why does it concern you?"_

_ "I'm your best friend, Harry," he said. "I'm concerned. You've been smoking for a year now, and I haven't heard anything of you quitting. It's not good, Harry. You know that."_

_ "Since when did talking to a friend involve preaching?" I said._

_ "I'm not preaching," Ron said. "Well, maybe I am just a little bit. But seriously Harry, you could die from it. And it makes you smell awful… not that you do right now, I'm just saying," he added hastily. "And Harry? No girl wants to kiss an ashtray. Including my sister." He smiled, put money on the counter and left._

_ I can't believe he said that! I'm not dating Ginny! I don't know why he keeps pushing this. Ginny's his younger sister, and I'll always think of her that way._

_ But I was thinking of what he said about school. He's probably right… at least somewhat. And the smoking thing is true, but how else am I supposed to relax? I'm not addicted. I don't go through a pack or two a day. I only light up when I need to calm down. I can control it._

_ I really do want to be an Auror. I have definitely had a lot of experience with Dark Magic. I'm sure to get in… but the grades thing has been on my mind. And N.E.W.T.s coming up… I've got to do well on those at least, if not my classes._

_ I guess I'll go to class tomorrow… sober. All of them._

**A/N: **Progress! And you won't see "Dear Sirius" at the tops of all the letters anymore. At least not as much. Wow, I know this wasn't very long but I try! Sorry about typos if there are any; I didn't reread thoroughly.

Leave a review!

OutofAzkaban

**ghst.sama-** Don't worry; it may seem like Harry's going to be a sissy but you have my guarantee he won't.

**IamSiriusgrl-** Sorry about the shortness! I really need to work on that, don't I? I promise the next one, if not long, will be longer than this one. I'm glad you noticed the little subtleties about Danielle… see if you can catch any more!

**roxygurl25-** I'm waiting for that email! Yeah, I'm thinking the loner thing too. Read my reply to ghst.sama.

**code112358132134-** Thanks but more feedback? Praise, criticism, things you noticed…


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

_March 3 _

_Going to class again was… weird. Really weird. I saw a ton of people I hadn't seen in a long while… and they looked surprised to see me. So were the teachers. Remus pulled me aside after class—he was the only one that did, though I could tell most of the other teachers wanted to—and asked if I was okay, and how my job-hunting was going, and said that if I ever needed to talk, he was there. I guess he's the only Marauder I have left. It's an odd thought, and a weird feeling._

_I also talked to Ginny again… another weird feeling. She blushed and fidgeted a lot, and never looked me directly in the eye… well, I think she actually did once. I don't want things to be weird between us; after all, she's my best friend's little sister._

_Best friend… it's so great to be using that term again with confidence… at least more confidence than I used to have. I haven't had a person to depend on ever since I lost you, Sirius._

_Damn! Why can't I stop? I know he's dead. I know it. This "letter" isn't even addressed to him; I made sure of that, especially after my mishap with the last one. I've accepted he's dead; why can't I move on?_

_I haven't talked to Danielle in a while. I've sent her a couple letters but Hedwig always brought them back. She hasn't sent me a letter or stopped by at all. Come to think of it, I kept her letters where I keep yours—I mean these—and I went to look for them. I can't find any of them. It's like they disappeared._

_After Defense Against the Dark Arts yesterday, Lupin asked to see me after class. He told me congratulations. I got an A—NE.W.T. level—on an essay about jinxes. I hadn't been turning them in since the beginning of the year. He also asked how things were going. I asked him "Don't you know?" He shook his head. I said "Letters. Sirius." He still looked confused. I was surprised—I thought he would've found out, or Dumbledore would've told him. "Dumbledore didn't tell you about my letters?" Apparently not, so I continued. "Dumbledore told me to write letters to Sirius, and that's what I've been doing."_

_"I see," Lupin said. We said nothing for a few minutes. Then he said, "Harry, I haven't talked to you in a really long time. Even you must admit that. I know you're still torn over Sirius. I am too; we were best friends. I heard through the grapevine that smoking and drinking have become a larger part of your life. Now I want to talk, Harry. I think you owe me that."_

_"I don't owe you anything," I had snapped. "Sirius was the only father I ever had, my brother. We were going to take care of each other. I was going to live with him! He was the only one who understood what I was going through in fifth year! And then he left! He left! Why did he have to go!" I screamed._

_Lupin__ only looked at me. He handed me a handkerchief. "Here," he said. I wasn't aware I was crying. Me… I must be weak._

_I took it hastily and wiped my eyes and cheeks. "Sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't mean to get angry at you. It's just… Sirius is gone. I'm failing classes, I think I'm feeling something for someone I don't want to feel like this for, one of my friends is somehow avoiding me… it's just all mixed up."_

_Lupin__ looked at me sympathetically. "Tell me about it. Really."_

_I did. Well, about some of it, anyway. I told him about how I'm failing classes because I didn't show up to class or turn anything in for so long. I told him about the feelings without mentioning any names. I didn't tell him about _(here he scribbled over something which looked surprisingly like 'you') _Sirius, or about Danielle. I was afraid he might think I'm touched in the head, or something._

_Then he said, "How about I make life a little easier for you? I'll give you some extra credit to do so you can catch up most of the way, and if you put forth the effort I think you could do remarkably well in this class. Well enough to get the Defense credits to become an Auror, I daresay. Given your history… well, it should work. I know this is N.E.W.T. year and all, but… I know what you're going through. I loved Sirius, too._

_I smiled at him. "Thanks. And listen, I didn't mean to blow up at you. It's not your fault. None of it is. In fact, you're helping me. Thank you so much, Professor Lupin." Tears were fresh in my eyes again._

_"Remus," he said, smiling. "When we're not in class."_

_It felt really good to talk to him. Good in a different way than I feel when I'm drinking. When I drink, I feel light-headed, like I haven't a care in the world, like I slip away from the world. When I talk to Remus—or anyone, just talk—I'm still totally in reality, but rather than something leaving my head, it's as if something is gone from my chest. I think I prefer talking in most cases._

_"Now it's your turn to talk," I had said. He smiled and began telling me of what was going on in the Order, the stuff I was allowed to know, anyway. He said they know where Voldemort is, and that they were doing a lot better now that the Ministry—or at least Cornelius Fudge and most of the Ministry—is on our side. Most of the ones who didn't believe us are now convinced after a year, but some of the other Death Eaters and Voldemort-supporters are still trying to win Fudge over. He said it was odd that nothing had happened last year, but… and then he cut himself off._

_I asked him if I was still being followed. He told me not to worry. He said as long as Dumbledore's here, I would be okay. But how many times has someone said that, and then something happened?_

_I really miss Sirius. There, I did it! I'll just treat these like a diary. I don't know why Dumbledore didn't think of that in the first place. Making me write letters to Sirius seems like he's making me more attached to him._

_I still have the mirror Sirius gave me. It's in my trunk, buried deep at the bottom. I haven't used it since the time I tried in fifth year to call him back. I think I'll try again, just for the hell of it. When will I learn? I should've left it alone. It just misted over. Not like I expected anything to happen… did I? Well, I thought that maybe… maybe he would agree to come back somehow. Just for a visit, now that I'm getting better…_

_What is wrong with me? Like Sirius would come back. Like he could. I must be insane, absolutely insane, to think a dead man could come back to life. Even for a moment. Even if it was just to encourage me to do better in classes. Even if it was to make a crack about Kreacher. Even if it was to describe what going to school with my parents was like. Even if it was to stay for only a minute, to tell me what I should do about my relationship with Ron and Hermione. With Ginny._

_I mean seriously, what is wrong with me? I can't fancy Ginny, and I don't think I do. But there's just something about her, the way she laughs, or how funny she is when she's annoyed, or the way she's concerned about me when I drink. And about herself and her drinking habits. I mean, if I really want to get to the nitty gritty, I never took charge of my drinking like that. I don't even think I wanted to. It made me feel good inside—light, and made me forget, at least until I woke up, that the closest thing I had to a father, the man who fought a werewolf for me, who told me to keep my nose clean, who risked being seen and caught and put back in Azkaban or executed just so he could see me through a fireplace, was gone. Forget that I still addressed him, though he was dead. Forget that I was failing miserably in my last year at Hogwarts. Forget that I never even speak to Dumbledore anymore._

_And Ginny… she's Ron's little sister. There's no way anything between us could ever happen… wait, what am I thinking? How could I even consider something between me and Ginny? Merlin, I've got to get off this topic. It's making me nauseous._

_No such luck. God, why does everything happen to me? Ginny just came in breathlessly. Since I'm in the Common Room, supposed to be studying, there's no privacy. "Hey, Harry," she said. She sat in my favorite armchair, put her chin in her hands and sighed, staring at the fire._

_"What is it?" I asked._

_After a long time, she asked, "Do you think I'm pretty?"_

_"Wha—wha—?" I gasped, completely taken aback. "Ginny, I don't think I'm the right person to—"_

_"Harry, I won't take it as anything, I promise. I just need to know something; it's not about you, you're just the only one around. Just answer the question."_

_"Well, I suppose you're… well, I mean… yeah, you're attractive… to someone else, I mean…" I rambled unconvincingly._

_"Great," she muttered, turning her attention again to the fire. Blowing air through her lips like a horse, she returned to her stony silence._

_"Most girls would be happy to hear that…" I said, confused. _

_"Well, I guess I'm just not most girls," she snapped, a sarcastic air to her voice._

_"Gin?" I asked cautiously. "Something happen today?"_

_She sighed, as if she had given up on being irritable. "Broke up. Again. Apparently, he wanted to go places he wasn't going with me." I felt a surge of sympathy for her._

_"Who?"_

_She waved it away. "Some Hufflepuff. Doesn't matter. Merlin, Harry, am I a slut?"_

_"No, of course not."_

_"It's just that I've been looking," she continued, "for someone. I haven't found him yet… you know, significant other, soul mate, that sort of thing. It seems like everyone I date just likes me for my looks, or my… something; someone once even dated me because I had a connection with Fred and George and they wanted me to get them free joke stuff."_

_I winced. "I'm sorry," I said sincerely._

_"Yeah, well," she sighed._

_"Gin?" I asked. "Want to go flying tonight? Around eleven… well, might make you feel better. Always helps me."_

_"Don't you have homework to catch up on?" she asked._

_"All done," I lied._

_Ginny smiled. "Thanks, Harry." _

_I smiled back. What have I done? My stomach is flip-flopping all over the place… it's not because I'm excited about getting on my Firebolt at __midnight_

_I headed out to the pitch before Ginny did. _What the hell am I doing? _I thought. _God, I must be an idiot._ What was I doing, meeting Ginny Weasley outside, at dark, alone? I must be crazy. What if she does something? What if she can't control herself?_

_But, in case that flip-flop sensation in my stomach was real… maybe I was worried I might do something._

_I conjured up a tall glass of firewhisky and began gulping about half of it. I was taking another gulp when Ginny showed up, carrying her Cleansweep._

_"Harry!" She came running over. "What do you think you're doing?"_

_"Just clearing my head a bit." I lifted my glass. "Want some?"_

_"Damn right you're clearing your head," she said angrily, grabbing my glass and throwing it on the ground. It smashed. "Harry, what the hell do you think you're doing, drinking before you fly?"_

_"Well, it does help me relax—"_

_"Relax nothing! You especially should know by now what alcohol does to your brain! And offering me some—you know what I'm going through. Are you completely insensitive?"_

_I stared at her. "Sorry, Gin, I just—"_

_"Please don't call me that," she said quietly. "Gin," she said pointedly._

_"Right," I said. "Sorry. Let's go," I said, mounting my broom._

_"No, you don't!" Ginny said. "You're riding on mine. I don't care what you say; I'm not letting you ride by yourself after alcohol has meddled with your brain!"_

_I finally consented and mounted her broom behind her. We took off into the sky. She's a brilliant flier, just brilliant. We went straight down and pulled up just before it was too late, sideways, diagonally, so high that we froze together… it was awesome._

_We walked back to __Gryffindor__Tower__ at about one. We talked and laughed the entire way. She didn't mention my drinking._

_It's late. Goodnight._

_Harry_

**A/N: **Reviews, please!

Oh yes, and this is pre-HBP, so for those of you who have read HBP already (including myself) just ignore the new… characters and things that happen, ok?

**IamSiriusgrl****-** Was this long enough? You can't bring a dead man back to life!

**noisylilbrat****-** Me too, but it's not nearly over yet.

**ghst.sama****-** He won't be a sissy, I promise. He's in the healing process here.

**mie-****chica07-** I'll take that as a compliment, because I've heard of the book but not read it. I will sometime. Thank you!

**roxygurl25-** Well, this one took me a bit longer.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

_March 5_

_God, I feel weak. I feel sick, like any second I might throw up. My vision's unsteady and so are my stomach and my hand. So that night with Ginny… could anything have gone so wrong and yet been so right? I'm so confused. She's Ron's sister and… we have a history._

_That night, Ginny and I stayed up talking all night. Dobby brought us butterbeer. She told me how Ron had lost his over protectiveness and had just given up bullying her boyfriends. I told her about how Remus offered me a chance to catch up in Defense Against the Dark Arts._

_"That's great, Harry," she said happily. "You still want to be an Auror, then?"_

_"Yeah," I said. "I sent my application in. What about you? What do you want to do?"_

_"I applied for the Auror position, too, but I also applied for a job like Charlie's—a magical creature job. It might not be with dragons, but I like animals."_

_"You're still taking Hagrid's class, then?"_

_"Well… no," she said, blushing. "I've got a busy schedule, and I still wanted a period off to study. But Hagrid told me he would give me extra lessons if I wanted them, since… well, not many people are taking his class. I go over there a few nights a week after dinner." There was a pause. "So," she said, "what are your backups?"_

_"Didn't send any in," I told her._

_"You don't have any?"_

_"No."_

_"But Harry, you're not guaranteed a job. What if you don't get the Auror position?"_

_"I will," I told her firmly. "After all, how many times have I defeated Voldemort?"_

_Ginny looked wary. "Yes, but I think you should send in a backup anyway, just in case." I ignored her. "Let's change the subject," she suggested. I agreed. But we were both silent._

_"Ginny?" I asked. "Can I tell you something and you'll promise you won't think I'm crazy?"_

_"Sure, Harry," she said, looking slightly confused._

_"Well… you remember Danielle."_

_"No."_

_"What?"_

_"Who's Danielle?"_

_"Oh. Remember when you came into the boys' dorms, and I said Danielle was there but then she vanished? And I had two bottles of whisky but one of them was hers?"_

_"Oh… yes. Go on."_

_"Well… she disappears every time I try to introduce her to a friend, and lately I haven't seen or heard from her. It's been bothering me. It's just… weird."_

_Ginny pondered this. "Well, I don't really know what to say, Harry. Take a picture of her the next time you see her and I'll tell you if I've seen her around. Unless of course you already have one."_

_"No… I will. Thanks, Gin…ny."_

_She laughed. "Its okay, call me whatever you want, I really don't mind. I was just… in a mood earlier."_

_"Will do… And you don't think I'm crazy?"_

_"No, of course not."_

_"Good." I smiled uncomfortably, mostly because there was nothing else to do. For a little while, we sat by the fire. Then she turned to me, and I saw something odd in her eyes I had never seen before. And… she kissed me. Something erupted inside me then. I have no idea what. It wasn't love, that I'm sure of. I don't do that kind of love. And I didn't pull back. All was quiet at two in the morning, and we just kissed._

_I'm so utterly confused. Little Ginny Weasley! But she's not so little anymore, I guess, is she? I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel. But I guess I have to face it; if she gets the Auror position we'll be working together for our entire lives. And being best friends with Ron will play a part in seeing a lot of her, too._

_Quidditch match today against Ravenclaw. Ginny and Cho were going at it as much as they could while on the field. I had to yell at the rest of the team to keep their eyes on the game. They kept ramming broomsticks even though they weren't supposed to even be near each other on the pitch._

_I saw Cho talking to the Ravenclaw beaters during a time-out. When the game resumed, they both seemed to aim their Bludgers at Ginny. One eventually hit her broom tail and broke her Cleansweep. It sent her spinning and into a nosedive, and she was really high up. Luckily, I was right by the Snitch, so I caught it and flew after Ginny. Dumbledore had slowed her fall and I flew under her near the ground and caught her. Her broomstick, however, continued its fall and smashed._

_Earlier today I ran into Ginny in the hall and gave her a broom catalog, telling her I had used one in third year to find a broom and that it might help. In response, she thanked me and pulled me into a broom closet._

_"Harry," she said, "the night before last was amazing. I waited yesterday for you to say something, but when you didn't I decided to confront you. I was happier than I had been in a long time. I want to know… did it mean anything?"_

_This is why I didn't want to get involved with a girl. That was the problem with Cho—she was so complicated. Ginny's not complicated, not really—well I guess besides being bummed she was pretty—but the whole analyzing things to see what they mean, then there's the "us" talk, and all that junk us guys don't need to go through._

_I said, "I… don't know. I had a great time, too, but… it's us. Will we work?"_

_I expected her to blow up at the fact that I said I didn't know, but she said "Anything can work, Harry, if your heart's in it. Is it? Harry," she continued before I could say anything, "I've been searching. You know that. But I don't want you to feel guilty and date me because of that. I don't want you unless your heart's in it."_

_I thought about this for a minute or two. "Ginny, I really enjoyed that night, and I'm willing to make it work and try this new thing out."_

_She smiled a smile that lit up her whole face and kissed me. "Meet me at the Three Broomsticks this Saturday at seven." She left the broom closet and rushed to class._

_What am I doing? I've got work to do, I promised myself I'd do it; I need to make sure I get the Auror job. Now I'm dating Ginny, Ron's little sister! What the hell have I gotten myself into, Sirius?_

_Dammit. That's just great. On top of everything, I'm addressing Sirius again. I thought I was over this whole thing. Sirius is dead. Sirius is dead. Maybe if I repeat that over and over it'll sink in deep enough._

_Well, for a change of pace, Danielle just walked in. I asked her where the hell she's been lately, with her listening ear and the drinks. She smiled bitterly and said around, but she's glad to be back. And then she pulled out the firewhisky. Bless her. It burned all the way down._

_Then I remembered what Ginny said. I asked her if I could take our picture. An odd look came over her face, but she said sure. Colin Creevey's camera was lying on top of his trunk, so I picked it up and pointed it at my and Danielle's faces. I'll develop it in the potion later._

_I told her about Ginny. She said that it was one sure way to lose Ron, and that I shouldn't date Ginny. I've been worrying about that, too, to tell that truth. I just got Ron's trust and friendship back, and I don't want to lose it over Ginny. On the other hand, I told Ginny I'd meet her on Saturday and I'm not going to stand her up. I'm above that. Besides, if I didn't show Ginny would be hurt and Ron would be mad at me anyway. So I guess I'll go._

_March 9_

_Yesterday was Saturday, and I did meet Ginny. She wasn't there when I got there and for a moment I thought she had stood me up. But she came running in at __7:15__, apologizing and saying she was held up by Michael Corner saying he wanted to get back together. Laughing, she told me she told him she was on her way to a date and if he didn't move she'd hit him with a Bat Bogey hex, because he was making her late, and he shut up. I laughed. She had grown up. This was the Ginny I knew._

_Madam Rosmerta brought us oak-matured mead and a gillywater for Ginny. I apologized profusely, but Ginny waved it away, saying she was perfectly fine and she was doing a lot better in support group—one of the top, actually, she's about to become a leader. I congratulated her, and she said it wasn't a big deal. Then she invited me to group._

_"No way," I told her. "Much as I like you, I wouldn't go to one of those." Then she smiled kind of secretly into her gillywater. I can't imagine what I said that was so funny. She said the invitation is always on the table, but I don't think I'd take her up on it._

_We went into the broomstick store first to see if there was anything Ginny wanted to replace her Cleansweep. There were a couple she liked, but she leapt back when she saw the prices. She didn't buy anything there. _

_Next we went to Honeydukes and tasted the new sweets. I tried to get her to sample a sour gummy caterpillar that really crawled its way down your throat. She refused, so I did a _Rictusempra_ on her and made her laugh. While her mouth was open I shoved the caterpillar into it. She shrieked and I lifted the spell. She began whacking me with her hand and said something like, "Harry, you're sick!" I laughed. We got kicked out of Honeydukes for making too much noise, but it was definitely worth it._

_As we walked through the slowly-melting slush of the streets, Ginny told me her birthday is coming up._

_"Ron's planning me a surprise party," she said, laughing. "He's so loud; he can't keep anything a secret. I overheard him telling Dean and Seamus about it. He's so cute sometimes," she said, shaking her head. "I know he's my older brother, but sometimes it seems like he's so much younger. You know?" I nodded, wondering why I hadn't heard about Ginny's party from Ron when Dean and Seamus already had._

_After a little while we came back to __Gryffindor__Tower__. We didn't stay out too late._

_Great. Now I have pressure to buy her a gift. I have no idea what to get her. Maybe I'll ask Ron… but he hasn't even asked me to this stupid party. See? Exactly why I never liked girls or the whole dating issue._

_But Ginny's… different. I don't know how, but somehow different. I'm not annoyed by her, and her laugh isn't that fake, over-bubbly kind of laugh—it's genuine. She really pays attention to what I say—but not like Danielle. Ginny really listens and helps. When I talk to Danielle, I feel depressed afterwards, like things are bound to suck._

_Hopefully I'll think of something to get Ginny for her birthday in my sleep or something… if Sirius was still here, he'd know what to get her. He always had good ideas. After all, he was a ladies' man; he must've gotten dozens of gifts for girls. Or maybe Dad…he must've gotten Mum something really special all the time; he really loved her. And something had to make her want to go out with him._

_Well, on the bright side, Ron just came in. I think he and Hermione were snogging in the Common Room. Anyway, he just told me about Ginny's party and asked if I wanted to go. He apologized for asking so late, but he had been waiting for me to be alone and he could never find me. Well, at least he asked._

**A/N: **So, there you go. Leave a pretty review!

**IamSiriusgrl****-** Well, now she's back. Maybe not permanently. I guess we'll see, won't we? Next chapter.

**ghst.sama****-**You know, I really valued your opinion and now I'm not thinking so highly of you, as you know. No, I guess Voldy's not dead but he won't be included in this fiction. You're absolutely horrible and I don't see why you were compelled to do that.

**potts****-**Thanks for your constant support.

**roxygurl25-**I will when I have time. I want to finish at least this one this summer.

**Cecilia Orechio-** You're back! I think your last review was Chapter 8… I thought you had left my story for good! Anyway, thanks for returning. Good luck with your new life!


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

_March 14 _

_ I developed the picture of Danielle and me in the potion. It's a little spooky. More than a little, actually. She picture showed me, smiling and waving… and a big empty space next to me. _

_ I asked Ginny what she thought this meant. _

_ "Well," she said slowly, "vampires don't show up on film… did she object to having her picture taken?"_

_ "No," I said, thinking back. "She didn't really care."_

_ "Then I don't think she's a vampire. She would have really been against someone taking her picture."_

_ The thought of Danielle being a vampire seemed ridiculous, but when I thought about it, it wasn't so impossible. I knew they existed, and just because I had never met one personally didn't mean Danielle couldn't be one. And then I remembered she had shown up in the daytime._

_ I went to visit Hagrid the next day. He seemed really surprised to see me and kind of hesitant. I don't really blame him; I haven't been to see him in a while._

_ "'arry?" he asked. "Is some'in' wrong?"_

_ "Not really," I said. "Good to see you, Hagrid." I smiled._

_ "'arry!" he said, convinced. He wrapped his huge arms around me and gave me a bone-crushing hug. "Good ter 'ave you back."_

_ "Sorry I haven't been along lately, Hagrid," I said sincerely. Now that I'd seen him, I realized how much I missed him. "I've been going through some stuff. I'm sure you've heard rumors."_

_ "Well… 'ermione an' Ron have tol' me a bi'," he said sheepishly. "But enough. What's been goin' on, then?"_

_ "I have a question. Does anybody except vampires not show up on film?"_

_ "Well… thestrals," Hagrid said. "And ghosts, I think… not sure 'bou' that one… why?"_

_ "Well, I took a picture of someone, and they didn't show up, and I'm wondering why."_

_ "I'm afraid tha's all the help I can give yeh, 'arry," said Hagrid. "Would yeh like a cup o' dandelion juice?"_

_ "Sorry, I can't really stay," I said. "I'll come later, though."_

_ "An' more of'en?"_

_ I smiled. "Yeah. More often."_

_ I went looking for Hermione and Ron, thinking they might know something, but I couldn't find them anywhere. Danielle's not a thestral, obviously, and I didn't think she was a ghost; she held a bottle of firewhisky._

_ When I couldn't find Hermione or Ron, I decided—after a great deal of thinking—to pay a visit to Dumbledore. Danielle's mysterious identity was driving me insane, tearing at the edges of my mind._

_ I surprised even myself walking to Dumbledore's office. I hadn't seen him, outside of the Great Hall, in a year. Maybe more. I knocked on his door timidly. The door opened slowly, and Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, looking mildly surprised._

_ "Hello, Harry," he said pleasantly. "I don't believe we've spoken in a great while."_

_ "I know. I'm sorry." I seemed to be saying that a lot that day._

_ "You need not apologize," he said. "What brings you to my office?"_

_ "Well, I had a question, Professor. What doesn't show up on film besides a vampire, thestral or ghost? Or is there maybe a spell, or a potion, or something?"_

_ "Ah." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Miss Danielle, am I right?"_

_I did a double take. "H-how did you… have you been reading my letters!"_

_ "Of course not, Harry," said Dumbledore calmly. "I would never aim to lose your respect and confidence and degrade myself that way."_

_ "Then how—?"_

_ "There are other ways," he said simply. "And I think you have experienced quite enough with Danielle, so I shall tell you her secret. Danielle is you, Harry. Or, more appropriately, a side of you."_

_ "What!"_

_ "Please allow me to finish. You are wondering, perhaps, why no one else has seen Danielle? It is because she is not material. She is something your mind has conjured because you needed someone to understand, now that Sirius was dead."_

_ "That's… that's crazy!" I exclaimed._

_ "Is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you recall something she might have said?" I remembered when she had told me about her past and her family, and I told Dumbledore._

_ "Ah yes. She would never have revealed to you outright who she was unless you confronted her directly about it. In that sense, confronted yourself. She is here to remind you of your past, your immediate past. The part of your past which includes the loss of Sirius. As you began coming out of your old habits and your solitude, the old part of you came back, tempting you. That's what 'Danielle' was trying to do."_

_ "B-but—" I was speechless._

_ "Danielle is a part of your mind; she is a part of you. Only you can get rid of her."_

_ I was dumbstruck. This was a bomb that had been dropped on me. I was thinking about it, over and over, Dumbledore's words echoing in my head: Only you can get rid of her._

_ But did I want to get rid of her? She's been there for me through everything I went through. She said she was all I needed. She always came through with a firewhisky or mead whenever I needed it…_

_ But isn't she me? So didn't I give myself the drinks and listen to myself? This is so confusing. I have no idea what to do. What happens if I get rid of a part of myself? How do I do that? And how does Dumbledore know about Danielle? My brain aches now._

_ It feels weird knowing that the girl who was there for me during Sirius' death was—is—actually me. How do I undo this?_

_ I'm tired of thinking of this. Ginny's birthday party passed, and what a disaster. It started out fine—a group of us in the Common Room, balloons and banners and constantly-falling confetti. Nick said he would jump out at Ginny when she walked in, and he did and it scared her like no other. We all laughed and began eating the cake Dobby had made. It was huge. Then we started the presents, and that's when things started falling apart._

_ I hadn't gotten Ginny a gift because I still hadn't thought of something to get her. I told her I'd give her my present later because it was special, and she smiled and said okay. I felt really guilty lying to her. _

_ The party went really well—noise, music, laughter, Fred's and George's influence… we talked about Quidditch, exams, N.E.W.T.s, and what we're doing after we graduate. I noticed something new about Hermione… maybe it's been there all along, maybe it's recent; I wouldn't know. When she was with Ron, even just standing by him, she seemed to glow. It made me feel really good to see them both so happy, after so long._

_ Ron pulled out the bottle of firewhisky and Hermione conjured a dozen glasses. Ron only poured a little into each glass and passed them around. I took mine and downed it; no one noticed. I thought of Danielle. Hermione refused the glass when Ron handed it to her._

_ "Ron!" she exclaimed. "The Head Girl can't drink!"_

_ "Come on," Ron said. "Just one." Hermione shook her head. "Come on, Hermione, live a little." _

_ She eventually gave way and accepted it. She winced as she sipped it, gasping, "How do you people drink this stuff?" We all laughed._

_ Between the group of us, we finished the bottle with less than two glasses each. I conjured another bottle when no one was looking, having been enticed by my two glasses, and went to my own little corner of the Common Room to drink it. I didn't like the turn of the conversation, and some people were drunk by now and I didn't like being around drunks. I drank by myself, thinking of Danielle, what I was going to do, and how Dumbledore knew about her if he didn't read my letters._

_ Ginny came over after about ten or fifteen minutes; I couldn't really keep track of the time. I was pretty much done with my second bottle by then. She was holding a glass of gillywater and smiled._

_ "Hey," she said, "why aren't you joining the party?" I shrugged. "You know, it is my birthday. Come on."_

_ I smiled. "I am celebrating," I said, and kissed her. I think she tasted all the alcohol on my breath, because she pulled back._

_ "Harry, how much did you drink?"_

_ I shrugged and then held up two fingers._

_ "Two bottles? Harry, you know I don't like it when you drink." Her words bounced off me. I only had one thing on my mind: Danielle. I told her what had happened at Dumbledore's office. Her expression didn't change._

_ "I know," she said._

_ "Wh—How?"_

_ "I told him about 'Danielle.' Or asked him, rather. Everything about her sounded weird, and I was curious. He told me the truth."_

_ "You… you told him?" I slurred. She was good at masking her feelings; she didn't look guilty at all, almost like she had nothing to feel guilty of. She nodded. "How… how dare you! What are you, sheven, running to Dumb-Dumble-dore? God, Ginny, thoshe were my business!" I said, enraged._

_ "Harry, I was worried!" Ginny protested. "You were talking about someone no one else saw or knew of. All the time," she muttered. "I was worried."_

_ "Think I'm going mad, do you?"_

_ "No, Harry," she said firmly. "I told you, I was worried and a little curious. Please don't blow this up."_

_ "Blow… blow it up? You had no right to whine to Dumble-dore!"_

_ "I didn't 'whine' or tattle! I'm not a child. I just care about you. What is wrong with that? All that alcohol is killing your brain. It's killing you. I told you to stop drinking; you still won't listen. You're being a selfish, stubborn pig again. Are you that stupid?"_

_ I expect everyone was looking at us then, but I didn't see. That's when I made the worst mistake ever. I hit her. My arm just… moved, and the back of my hand connected with her cheek._

_ She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I don't like you when you drink," she whispered, and turned and walked to her dorm, shutting the door softly._

_ I couldn't fully comprehend what I had done. We all stood there, thunderstruck. It took Ron a second, but he came to grips with what happened and tried to hex me. Hermione did _Silencio_ on him just in time, so it didn't affect me. She glared at me, Ron seething, and led him away. He tried to say something—a lot of things, probably full of curse words—and although I couldn't hear what he was saying, I think my guesses were pretty accurate._

_ I just… can't understand how that happened. I like Ginny. A lot. And have I ever had a drunken rage like that before? I don't understand… I just don't understand._

_ And Ron… Merlin, he must hate me so much… I expect I can give Malfoy a run for his money in Ron's book… I don't think he'll ever forgive me. I don't think there's anything I can do to make him forgive me. Violating privileges with his sister was the worst thing anyone could do to anger him, and I did it._

_ Hermione has never hated me so much; I could tell by the look in her face and her eyes. I wonder if she's ever felt like that before towards anyone except Malfoy._

_ And Ginny… oh God, that was the worst. She was so hurt. Could I have been anymore of a goddamn moron? Ugh, what have I done? Ginny has been everything, just everything, and I ruined it all because of some stupid whisky?_

_ I have to make it up to her. I have to get her back. I am not going to let this stupid, stupid, idiotic mistake ruin my chances with Ginny. I need to get her a birthday present, too; something way beyond special. If Sirius was getting something for a girl he really liked, something special, something she'd love, something that says a lot about her… what would he get?_

_ I've got it. It's been staring me in the face and I never noticed. I've got to go to Hogsmeade._

**A/N: **Sorry it took me so long. I'll try to start working on Chapter 18 today. I wanted to finish this story by the time school starts, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm going to try to get close, though. (If you've read HBP, please check out my new one-shot, "A Half Blood Prince.") Feedback, as always.

**IamSiriusgrl****-** Thanks.

**ghst.sama****-** Well, the word's out. I understand your frustration; I'm frustrated at stupidity in those around me, too. I just don't see how you were motivated… anyway, whatever. Read still, don't read; I'm not mad.

**roxygurl25-** Okay. Not really much to say to that.

**potts****-** Yes I have thought of that; being original, publishing, etc. But I'm not going to do it this summer; I'm thinking of starting next summer.

**none****-** I agree about the job. Well, we'll see how far his cockiness gets him. Thanks so much for your praise.

**noisy**** lil brat-** Could you please give me more feedback? Criticism is welcome, you know.

**code112358132134-** That gets weirder and weirder to type. Climax is coming up, I think… I'm trying to not drag it out but not let it be too abrupt, either, and there's still so much that has to go on. More feedback, please.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

_March 16_

_I fixed it. Or, at least, partially fixed things. I ran to Hogsmeade and into Quality Quidditch Supplies. It's a good thing the _ThunderHead 3000 _is so expensive; there was still one left and I was able to buy it, sign some stuff and carry it out of the store._

_ The hangover yesterday was the pits, by the way. There were a thousand drums in my head and I felt like my brain was growing by the second and taking up too much space in my brain._

_ I slipped a note under the girls' door asking Ginny if she would meet me outside the Prefects' bathroom at eleven that night. I know she read it immediately and that she was in there all day, because Hermione had accusingly told me so. I've got to patch things up with her and Ron, too… but how? Nothing comes to mind._

_ At least I've got Ginny covered. She did come, and I gave her the wrapped broom. As she unwrapped it, she shrieked and threw her arms around me and kissed me. _

_"You know you can't buy me back every time you hurt me," she said._

_"I know."_

_She forgave me, but I promised I would stop drinking. I don't want to hurt her—or anyone—again because of it._

_It's only been a little while—not even a full twenty-four hours, in fact—and already quitting is hard. Damn, is it going to be this bad the whole time? And how long is that, anyway? Will I be like this forever, or will the desire for alcohol sometime subside? I should ask Ginny; she'd probably know. I mean, after all this time… hers has got to be gone by now._

_April 1_

_I can't believe I haven't written in half a month! I've just been having so much fun lately; these past few weeks have been a blast. Everything's been perfect with Ginny, although Ron and Hermione still haven't been friendly to me. I've been spending most of my time with Ginny. My grades have actually improved… I went from Failing to Average in Transfiguration, from Average to Excellent in Lupin's class, still Failing in Binns' class, but who needs History of Magic? Average in both Charms and Potions. _

_Now that I actually bothered to try the homework, I really understand why seventh year's the hardest. N.E.W.T. testing is in the middle of this month, and then they send in your results to every place you applied for a job, and the pressure's really building up. I mean, I know I'm guaranteed the Auror position, what with my history, Dumbledore's recommendations and all, but I want to score well on my N.E.W.T.s anyway to secure my spot._

_It's so strange—suddenly I'm all about grades. Not like Hermione, or anything, but definitely more intense than Ron. I think its Ginny. Ever since she happened to me, I've been… changed. It's the best thing that's ever happened. When I was in my old habits, I was always depressed. Even when I played Quidditch, I did it halfheartedly. Now I have energy. I wouldn't call it pep, or say that I'm happy and excited about life, or anything—I'm not like that and wouldn't be, no matter what someone did to me. I just feel like I'm living._

_There are two dampers to this new feeling, however. One is my drinks—I haven't had one in so long, and it's been eating away at me. Lately I've been getting these mood swings. Ginny's noticed it, too, and told me. I just get these mad cravings; it's like something bursts open inside of me. I have to deal with it sometime; I've been telling myself to suppress it for ages, it seems like, but it just gets worse. I can't take it much longer; one day it's going to leap out of me. I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't know how to get rid of it. It got so bad the other day that I cried from the anguish. I would never let anyone know, but I ached so badly._

_The other damper is Ron and Hermione. Although Ginny's been terrific, I miss them both. I have to make up with them; I just can't figure out how. What could ever possibly rectify what I've done? We were doing so well, too—healing the scars of the past year. I got Ginny the broomstick, but I can't think of anything that I could physically give to Ron or Hermione._

_I've decided to stick around them a bit. They're civil, but not friendly in the least. I'm like a house elf to them—they know I'm there, but I'm not treated in any special way. I've been observing them and trying to see if I get any inspiration, but no luck yet. I've also asked Dobby to let me know if he hears anything._

_I just got another craving. Merlin, they hurt._

_Remus pulled me aside after class again a few days ago, this time to congratulate me on my grades. I thanked him, and he asked me what was wrong._

_"How do you mean?" I asked._

_"Things between you, Ron and Hermione have been a little… tense, as of late," he observed. "Anything I can do to help?"_

_"No, thanks," I said. "I'm handling it. Prof—Remus?"_

_"Yes, Harry?"_

_"Do you still miss him?"_

_"All the time," he said bitterly. "But he hasn't really left us, Harry."_

_I thought of the mirror sitting in my trunk. "I know," I said._

_Happy April Fools, Sirius. And I didn't just address him. I know I didn't. I feel differently than when I used to still talk to him. I just hope he's fine. I know he is. I have no idea why I'm saying this._

_Today I left a rubber snake in Ginny's trunk and enchanted it. I listened by her door for the shriek, and found it. I gave Dobby a hat that moved, as a joke, but I don't think he got it. He was delighted and enjoyed it immensely and thanked me excitedly for it._

_I wonder what Sirius and Dad would do for April Fools'. I'll ask Dumbledore sometime._

_April 3_

_I don't understand what I just did. I just don't know why or how I did it. I knew the invitation was there, and I took it… but why? Ginny was sitting in the library, working on a Charms essay. She really has grown up. Anyway, I approached her and asked, "Gin? Could I ask you something?"_

_She put her quill down. "Anytime. What is it?"_

_"I know it's a bit far off, but… will you be my date for graduation?"_

_Her eyes lit up like no other. She could conquer the sun. She smiled and threw her arms around me. "Harry! Yes, of course." When she pulled back, she looked at me hard for a long time. "You've really changed."_

_"In… in a good way?"_

_"I'd have to say I'm satisfied."_

_That wasn't the crazy part. Not by a long shot. I should've kissed her and left her then, but what I did was way worse. Not that kissing her and leaving is bad._

_I got an insane craving just then, worse than I've ever had before. It tore away at my skin, at my soul. It was agony, pure agony. It drove me crazy. I was hungry, starving for the little thing that always made me feel better. _

_"Ginny?" I asked. "You know that support group you go to? Could I… could I come with you the next time you go?"_

_She grinned. "Do you mean it?" I nodded. She shrieked and leaped on me; I almost fell over. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered in my ear._

_We got kicked out of the library then by Madam Pince, so we decided to play some Quidditch. I got so sick I almost threw up, so I rode on the back of Ginny's broom for a little while and then almost got sick again. We sat under the shade of the oak tree to catch our breath._

_"Harry?" Ginny said. "I really like you."_

_"I like you too, Ginny," I said, hoping she wasn't about to get all mushy, because I hated that._

_"Harry?" she said again. "I… I love you." Her eyes were sparkling, and she leaned in to kiss me._

_I said I had to put my Firebolt away and that I had an essay to write. I grabbed my Firebolt and flew up to the __Gryffindor__Tower__ window. Pulling out Sirius' knife, I unlocked it, flew in and landed. Of course I was sick afterwards—I retched in the bathroom. No one was in the tower to hear._

_I don't know why I fled like that. Come to think of it, I haven't even kissed Ginny in a long time. We hang out, sure, but it's all friendly. Not that I don't like it; I love spending time with her. Now I'm confused. I like Ginny. I just don't know if I can tell her I love her._

_The support group is in two weeks. I suppose I have to go now, but I don't want to. I don't know why I asked. A bunch of sniveling, snotty freaks… who wants to be around them? Now I'm obligated to Ginny, and I don't want to disappoint her._

_I still have no idea what I'm going to do for Ron and Hermione. They're still so distant, and Dobby hasn't told me anything. I don't know what I can buy for them to ever make them forgive me, not even in another universe. I could buy Ron anything in the world he didn't have and he still wouldn't forgive me. He did, after all, entrust me with his sister. And Hermione… what would she want? What would she ever want?_

_Oh, my God. It just hit me. I remembered something Hermione said last year. But how will I do it? I have to go._

_I wrote a letter to Dung asking if he could help me. He said he'd Apparate over there right away, but I have to pay for all expenses and pay him "for his services." Hopefully he'll keep his word and I'll only have to wait for Hedwig to bring the stuff back._

_April 4_

_Mundungus was true to his word after all. I think it's the first time in his life. Hedwig came with a parcel today. I told Hermione there was an N.E.W.T. informational meeting in the Common Room at six, and I told Ron there was a taste-testing where you win money if you guess right. Needless to say, they both showed up. When they saw me there, they looked disgusted and tried to leave, but I locked the doors and put an anti-Alohomora charm on them._

_"Listen," I said, walking toward them, "I know I've been a rotten friend these last two years. I know. I've done and said a lot of horrible things. I've treated you wrong and things have been awkward between us for nearly two years. But I want to change that."_

_They didn't say anything, but they didn't back up, either. _

_"About what happened at Ginny's party—" Ron's face twisted with rage, but he said nothing. "It was one of the worst things I've ever done. I'm still beating myself up about it, believe me._

_"I was drunk that night at Ginny's party. I snuck away and went through two bottles of firewhisky. Then I got angry at Ginny and… well, you know." Ron nodded fiercely. "I just wanted you to know… I made up with Ginny. I'm really sorry; I don't know how many times I can say that to make you realize it. I didn't mean to. I was intoxicated."_

_Hermione's eyes were glistening with tears. "I know," she sniffed._

_"What?" Ron's and my voices sounded at the same time. He gave me a dirty look._

_"I saw you," she said. "That night, at Ginny's party. I saw you drinking and drinking and, when you had finished that bottle, drinking again. I didn't say anything. I didn't stop you. But I should have."_

_"Don't blame this on you," I said bitterly. "It was my entire fault and I'm willing to take full responsibility. I have something for you." Reaching into my robe pocket, I pulled out three pieces of paper. "I have three plane tickets to __Italy__ for directly after graduation. The three of us could go, just like Hermione wanted to," I said, smiling slightly at her. "Or just you two. I understand if you don't want me tagging along."_

_"P-plane tickets?" asked Hermione disbelievingly._

_I nodded. "We would do it all the Muggle tourist way. If you still want it that way."_

_"Y-yes, I do…" Hermione looked at me. "Thank you, Harry."_

_"Don't thank me. I'm sorry. I also want you to know I've decided to stop drinking. I'm joining Ginny's support group, too. I'm going to get better."_

_"Oh, Harry—" Hermione made like she was going to hug me, but stopped. "I'm glad."_

_We both looked at Ron._

_"Well, I do want you to come," he mumbled. "All right, you're forgiven, but don't you dare hurt my kid sister again."_

_I grinned. "I won't. I promise."_

**A/N: **Feedback, as always.

**roxygurl25-** Yes, maybe.

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**code112358132134-** I don't even know if I got the number right that time. You can look. If you wish. :P Thanks for your geniusosity.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

_April 14_

_ Well, what I said earlier really got to me… about Dad and Sirius, and April Fools'. I don't know how I came up with it, but it was bothering me so much that I finally had to ask. So I did._

_ I went to Dumbledore's office and explained that I was wondering if he had any memories of Sirius and Dad that I could see, preferably an April Fools' one. He smiled slightly; I have no idea why._

_ "Sure, Harry." He led me over to his Pensieve and prodded around a bit in it before gesturing for me to look. As my nose hit the surface, I was plunged into his memory._

_ I was in the Great Hall. Apparently it was breakfast time. Dumbledore was making a speech about Dungbombs in the hallways and the Marauders were sitting in a group at the Gryffindor table. The food appeared on the tables, and as soon as people started to put their forks into it, the food turned into a ton of birds and flew out the windows. Dad and Sirius high-fived under the table, grinning. I could've sworn Dumbledore smiled. He clapped his hands twice and the food reappeared, all the while looking knowingly at the Marauders._

_ Dad, Sirius, Remus and Pettigrew headed off to classes. I tried to follow them, even though I knew I couldn't follow them far because this was Dumbledore's memory… but surprisingly, I could. I followed them all the way to class and sat there, even though Dumbledore stayed in the Great Hall._

_ "Wow," said Pettigrew, astounded. "However did you guys do something like that?"_

_ "Easy, Wormtail, don't get your knickers in a knot," Dad said._

_ "We just snuck into the kitchen, distracted the house elves and hexed the food. Nothing major," said Sirius. Pettigrew still looked amazed._

_ Apparently they had History of Magic with Professor Binns, the same then as he is now. After about fifteen minutes of a dull lecture, Sirius signaled to Dad. He nodded and raised his hand. It took a moment for Binns to realize it and, startled, he wheezed, "Yes…?"_

_ "Harold Perkins," Dad said._

_ "Right, Perkins?"_

_ "I think I may throw up. So I should probably leave. May I be excused?"_

_ "Th-throw up, Periwinkle?"_

_ "Yes. Be sick. Very sick. So can I leave now?"_

_ "Yes, uh, Parsley, go."_

_ Dad threw on his Invisibility Cloak. Binns didn't notice. Dad snuck up to the fireplace behind Binns and threw in a fistful of powder and said "Diagon Alley." Binns disappeared in a whirl of color._

_ The class sat in shock. I laughed out loud. Some prefect ran off to tell Dumbledore or another teacher._

_ "Obliviate," said Sirius, and the entire class, with the exception of the Marauders, had distant looks on their faces. Dad ran into the hall and modified the prefect's memory, so that they remembered the prank but not the culprits._

_ After History of Magic the Marauders walked down the hall, talking and laughing and slapping high fives. Snape walked down the hall past them just then, clutching his books to his chest and muttering darkly to himself. Dad jabbed Sirius with his elbow, and he grinned. Sirius walked up to a pretty blonde girl and started talking to her, flipping his hair and winking. The girl giggled and nodded, and approached Snape. Sirius, with a wink, rejoined Dad._

_ "Hi… Severus, right?" asked the blonde girl, sidling up to Snape._

_ "Uh… yes," said Snape uncomfortably, looking at her through his stringy hair._

_ "I'm Mandy," the girl said, batting her eyelashes. "Well, Amanda really, but call me Mandy." Snape was silent; he seemed surprised someone was taking the initiative to talk to him._

_ "I've noticed you're really good at Potions," Mandy said hopefully. Snape was still dumbfounded. "Well, here," Mandy said, thrusting something small into his hand. She smiled, blushed and then walked away. On her way out, she turned to look at Sirius. He winked at her, and she smiled elatedly, giggled and walked away._

_ I turned my attention back to Snape. He looked at the toffee in his hand, looked puzzled, and then ate it. He gagged a little, then broke out in song to "Magical Moments" by Celestina Warbeck. The hall erupted in laughter after the initial puzzlement. People stopped and pointed. Snape looked absolutely horrified, but he couldn't close his mouth._

_ "Wormtail!" said Sirius. Pettigrew scrambled to pull a camera out of his robes and began clicking away._

_ It was hysterical. I was cracking up as well. Finally, amidst the commotion, Sirius pulled out his wand and said, "Accio pixie cage!" You would have to be standing right by him to hear him over the laughter and chaos. A cage full of Cornish pixies zoomed to his hand. Dad pulled the latch of the cage up and the pixies flew out. The hall was in an uproar. After Pettigrew had snapped a few more photos, the Marauders walked down the hall, laughing. I tried to follow them, but I was sucked back into Dumbledore's office._

_ He was smiling, and waited a moment before he spoke. "Well? What did you think?"_

_ "It was great. Thank you, Professor."_

_ "You're welcome, Harry. Ah, I'd be much obliged if you didn't tell anyone about this outside of Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger. Professor Snape might not be too fond of it."_

_ "Of course." I turned to leave, but then stopped._

_ "Something wrong, Harry?" Dumbledore asked._

_ "No… yes. Professor, why was it that I could go anywhere Sirius and my dad went when it was your memory?"_

_ "Ah." He smiled. "I thought you might notice that. It is because it is not my memory."_

_ "What d'you—?"_

_ "You went wherever your father went, Harry, because it was your father's memory."_

_ "What!"_

_ "Your father gave it to me before he died. You may keep it if you like."_

_ "But how did he—"_

_ "Harry, I'm terribly sorry, but I must be getting along. So many prior commitments. I trust you will sleep well."_

_ "But—"_

_ "Goodnight, Harry." I couldn't argue with him, so I turned toward the door._

_ "One last thing, Harry." I turned back. Dumbledore was holding out his wand, a silvery string hanging from it. "I do believe this is rightfully yours." I took it, touching the tip of my wand to his, and left._

_ I wore my Invisibility Cloak all the way back to __Gryffindor__Tower__, not wanting to talk to anyone. When I got back, I put the memory into my Pensieve, its first content._

_ Why did my dad give Dumbledore his memory? He could have shared it with me personally. Did he know ahead of time that he was going to die? Did he give Dumbledore any other memories?_

_ I just lit up, because I was so confused from all this thinking, but then I thought of Ginny and what she would think. I immediately put it out, but I still crave one._

_ The Pensieve and my dad's memory gave me an idea. I touched the tip of my wand to my temple and pulled out all my memories of Danielle. I deposited them in the Pensieve. They're swirling around inside, and I feel much better._

_April 17_

_Merlin. N.E.W.T.s are about a thousand times worse than the O.W.L.s, and I thought those were bad. I had Transfiguration first, and, all in all, that went pretty well. The only things I couldn't do were silently transfigure the examiner into a teapot and back… well, I couldn't do either, so it was kind of okay. Defense Against the Dark Arts went fine; I could do everything they asked me to. I even distracted Malfoy so the old witch examiner scolded him. It was a win-win situation._

_Charms wasn't as good; I could do a little more than half of what they asked me to. Potions was—needless to say—terrible, but it's not as if the Ministry is going to care whether I got top marks on a measly Potions exam when they ask me to be an Auror._

_History of Magic was terrible, but it's not like the Ministry's going to care about that, either. Astronomy was okay; I left a couple stars blank, but it was a small percentage._

_I think I did pretty well. I can't wait to start work as an Auror. Maybe I'll go out for a drink to celebrate._

_Oh. I forgot. It's a good thing group is coming up soon._

_April 19_

_ Just got back from group. I don't know how I feel; I have mixed feelings about this whole thing._

_ Ginny and I left the dorms around seven. We were among the first in the room. I hate being early, but Ginny wanted to talk to some people so I had to come._

_ She started talking to some girl with stringy blond hair hiding her face. I didn't want to socialize, so I took a seat at one of the random spots in the big circle. Were there really that many people in Hogsmeade with a drinking problem?_

_ Apparently, there were. All the seats were filled, but I learned that not everyone was from Hogsmeade. Almost half were from Hogwarts, and some were from other towns._

_ One at a time, they all stood up and said their name and how long they had been attending the group._

_ "I'm Ginny," Ginny said. "I'm a member." As she sat down, she whispered to me, "You become a member when you've been going for a month or something."_

_ I stood up reluctantly. "Harry," I said. There were collective gasps around the room. I rolled my eyes and sat down._

_ Ginny glared at me. "He's new," she said. There were murmurs all around the circle. God, were these people complete idiots? _

_ "A newbie," said the leader. She was a middle-aged, twig-thin woman with large spectacles. "Wonderful. You'll have to introduce yourself at the end of names." I thought I just had introduced myself._

_ When it was my turn again, I stood up and said, "I'm Harry." I didn't know what else to say after that, so I said nothing, just awkwardly stood there in a quiet room with thirty people staring at me._

_ "Well, Harry," said the spectacled lady. "How long have you been an alcoholic?"_

_ "I'm not an alcoholic."_

_ The entire room clicked their tongues at me._

_ "Still in denial, Harry?" said the sickly-thin woman. "The first step is admitting it."_

_ How did I know it would come to this? "Look, lady—"_

_ "Mrs. Havorford."_

_ "What?"  
"My name is Mrs. Havorford."_

_ "Mrs. Havorford," I said through clenched teeth, "I am not an alcoholic. I drink when I feel like it, when I celebrate."_

_ "Only when you celebrate, Harry?" Mrs. Havorford asked._

_ "Yes—well—why is it any of your business?" I asked._

_ "Because you're here," she said._

_ "Look, I'm only here because my girlfriend made me!" I think I threw my arm in Ginny's direction. "I see you're all a bunch of lunatics, and I've got better things to do."_

_ On my way out, I saw Ginny's face. She was angry, but she was more hurt than anything. Her brown eyes were glassy, but she remained where she was, didn't follow me out._

_ Okay, so the whole thing was a disaster. Maybe it wasn't the group that I had mixed feelings about. Maybe it was something else. Someone._

**A/N: **Feedback, as always. Lots of it, please?


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

_April 23_

_Results are due back at the end of this month. I think I know how Hermione feels year after year. I'm restless waiting for my letter from the Ministry to come. I know I'm going to get the job; it's a great thing, knowing you'll get the only job you want. I'm a hell of a lot calmer than the rest of the seventh years, and I'm glad. I'm just really eager to get my letter._

_Ron got his already; it wasn't much of a thinking, long-processing job. Florean Fortescue's elderly, and will probably be passing on soon, so he gave his ice cream shop to Ron. Ron will own it and operate it and everything. I didn't say anything to him, but it's a little… sad. I mean, it's going to be his career for life. After seven years of schooling that's all he gets? Those seven years were worthless, then. He should have some ambition, aim a little higher._

_Hermione's made about forty trillion applications in all subjects. Arithmancy, history, Charms, Transfiguration, Muggle Studies, even Potions. I'm kind of interested to see how that turns out._

_Ginny applied for a Muggle relations job, a curse breaker at Gringotts, and something to do with Transfiguration. None of our N.E.W.T. results are back until later this month, and only Ron has gotten his application approved._

_Speaking of Ginny, I don't know what to do. I gave my feelings some thought, and all, but I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to feel. What I do know is that I can't keep making her cry. She's done so much for me—brought my grades up, made me quit drinking, made me feel so good._

_I don't know how to tell her. Every time I do something, I do it wrong and I hurt her._

_I have to somehow make it right. I really screwed up last time, and I can't just buy her something again. I really need to think._

_April 25_

_I've been thinking for the past forty-eight hours straight. I haven't paid attention in class at all; not that it really matters since we've already taken the exams. The last Quidditch game of the year is coming up and I wasn't even fully mentally there at practice. I've been thinking about Ginny so much. I still don't know how I feel about her._

_I did figure out that I needed to fix things with her. I asked her out for tomorrow night. She didn't give me an answer; I'll just have to wait for her._

_What if she doesn't want me back? What if she's fed up with everything I've done? I don't think I could take that rejection… I mean, all she's done is accept me. Always. What if she never shows up? What if she hates me and won't have anything to do with me?_

_Nothing like a smoke to take your mind off things. God, that feels so much better. I never understood why people ever wanted to give up smoking. But wait… Ginny never liked my smoking… but I can't stop; I just can't. I gave up drinking for her, but I can't give up my smokes._

_April 27_

_Ginny and I went out to dinner. The atmosphere between us was kind of formal, but I suppose that's really my fault. She didn't say much at the beginning of dinner, so I tried to keep a one-sided conversation going. Halfway through the salad and my attempts at pleasant conversation, she said, "Harry, what the hell are we doing here?"_

_I was startled. "What do you mean?" I asked._

_"I mean," she said, "are we going anywhere?"_

_"If you don't like this restaurant, we can leave—" I said, confused._

_"Shut it, Harry; you know damn well what I mean. You and I. We're hitting all these speed bumps; when are we going to start hitting the freeway? I like you, Harry, but I'm not taking any more of your crap, even if it means breaking up. You hurt me and hurt me, and you can't keep buying me back; I don't care if you buy me a house. When am I going to start feeling good about us?"_

_I sighed. "You're right. You are. Let's go back to the Tower, okay? I'm not really in the mood for dinner."_

_"How dare you just—"_

_"Come on." I left some money on our table, scooped Ginny up in my arms, and walked out of the restaurant._

_When we entered the Common Room, Ginny's jaw dropped. "What did you do?"_

_The Common Room was set for our night. There were candles on a table set for two, a glowing fire in the fireplace, and mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. I had kicked everyone out of the room, and Dobby was doing me a huge favor, for which I intended to repay him._

_I conjured a white rose behind my back and handed it to Ginny. "For you," I said._

_Ginny took it with… I'm not sure what—on her face. An expression of concern, or confusion, maybe. "You do know what a white rose means, don't you?" she asked._

_"Yes. Nothing is happening tonight." She smiled._

_We sat and talked like nothing was ever wrong, like we were starting over from square one. We talked and laughed and, when the dinner was over, moved to the couch by the fire. Inevitably, we began snogging. After being liplocked for about five minutes, Ginny pulled back. "Harry?" she said. "I do love you."_

_I, surprisingly, was expecting this. "I love you, too."_

_Ginny drew back. "You—you do?"_

_"Yeah," I said. "I really do." And we kissed some more._

_I thought that saying "I love you" would be hard. Every guy says it's his worst nightmare to be in that position. I thought it was really easy; no pressure at all, and everything turned out for the better. I don't know why so many people think it's so hard; it's really easy—you just say it and she's happy._

_Ginny and I fell asleep on the couch. We woke in the morning before anyone saw us. Before she left, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "Thanks for everything Harry. Love you."_

_I smiled and said "I love you", and she left. This is so easy. The perfect solution._

_Everything is going perfectly, and it looks like it's going to continue to go this well. I'm so excited—after this long of crap, it's good to finally have things going well. The girl, a great career…_

_Speaking of career, I wonder when I'm going to get my N.E.W.T. results back… it should be pretty soon now. I wonder what's keeping them…?_

_April 30_

_Still no results, but Ginny and I are cruising like its nineteen-eighty-nine. Things are so amazing now; I wouldn't want anything different. She's never mad anymore, she's always there, and I've even ventured back to group! The people there were really nice about it; no snide comments at all._

_I think it's really working. Amazing, I know. I never would have expected anything out of this, but I think my cravings are become more spaced out and less intense._

_Ginny and I bring each other gifts sometimes; I only do it because it makes her smile, but I think she really enjoys picking something out for me. Ron is even acknowledging that I'm progressing, and I feel so much better now that the openness between me and Ginny and the 'I love you's aren't a problem. I hated the old fights and the rocky road, but now things seem to be clearing up. It's amazing how three little words can mean the world to a girl and totally change her mood._

_Ginny and I are going out tonight, and I'll be sure to say how that turned out._

_May 1_

_The date was okay, I suppose. There was nothing really memorable or anything to set it apart from our other dates. We went to dinner, we ate, we talked, and we took a cruise around Hogsmeade and stopped at Honeydukes and the Three Broomsticks, and then came back to __Gryffindor__Tower__. Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary._

_Ginny did seem a bit clingier than usual, though. I usually don't notice, but today it really bothered me. I think she could tell something was wrong, because every time she told me she loved me, I just nodded and said I loved her, too. What does love mean, anyway? I don't know if we even know what we're saying._

_When we were taking a walk through the warm streets of Hogsmeade, she asked me where we were going. It's the one thing I hate about females, and I told her we were going to Hogsmeade. She laughed, as if I were making a joke, and said "No, Harry, you know what I mean. Are we just playing or is this meaningful?"_

_I swear, I thought I knew her. She seemed so grown up, and lately she's been eleven years old again. I can't say I miss the eleven-year-old._

_"Gin, please," I said._

_"I know, Harry, I'm sorry," she said. "I won't force you. When you're ready to talk about the future, let me know, but don't wait too long."_

_I basically ignored her for the rest of our date. I mean, I love Ginny. Really. I tell her all the time. But there are little things that sometimes get on my nerves. She used to be so cool, calm and collected, so mature and grown-up; not like the little girl who trusted a diary and almost died. She seemed to have wisdom. _

_Now there are little things about her that annoy me sometimes. I didn't think her chewing her nails was annoying, but it was. She doesn't do it anymore, thank Merlin, or I might go insane. Her smile is contagious, but her silly girl giggle is just that—a silly little girl giggle. It drives me up the wall. Her genuine laugh is amazing, though, but it seems like she doesn't use it as often anymore._

_I miss those talks we used to have; the deep ones, the meaningful ones. That night where we talked about her drinking problem, where she asked me if I thought she was pretty. I miss the serious her, the playful but not so immature Ginny._

_Maybe I'll talk to her about it. I don't know. It seems like it would be awfully awkward._

_May 2_

_My results are finally here! I wonder why it took so long; it should've been easy to stamp a "yes" and just mail stuff back. Actually, I guess it's early because Hermione still hasn't gotten hers, and I must've been a real shoe-in because I know everywhere would be dying to accept Hermione._

_I guess it's the moment of truth… I wish Dad and Sirius could've been here to see this. _

_My letter of acceptance!_

Dear Mr. Potter,

We have received your application for the Auror position. Unfortunately, your N.E.W.T. scores aren't near high enough for you to receive the position, and your Potions grades aren't up to snuff, either.

We understand that you may be a good asset to our team, considering your history, but we make no exceptions to the rules. We're sorry, but we cannot lower the standards specially for you.

We do think your talents would be put to better use elsewhere. Have a pleasant day.

The Ministry of Magic

_What? They can't do this to me! I'm the best applicant they've ever had, and will ever have! How could this happen to me? I'm their best bet, damn it!_

**topps****-** You did it again. :P

**IamSiriusgrl****-** Thanks for reviewing!

**roxygurl25-** Yes, denial would be it. Well, Snape's a loser.

**FictionRose****-** I'm glad you liked it; that was my intent!


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

_May 3_

_ I just don't understand how this could have happened to me. Me. They had to take me. They had to—they should have! They're fools for not accepting me._

_ I've finally processed that… I didn't make it. That something went wrong. That I wasn't good enough. It took a few cigarettes to calm me down, but I got there. I almost had a drink, but stopped myself. Not because of Ginny, though. Before I didn't drink because I thought of what Ginny might think, or how she might react. I'm stopping now because… well, because of myself. I don't want to slip back into addiction again. Drinks are good, but not worth the hell I put myself and everyone else through. And maybe group helped a little bit, too. I'll admit that now._

_ Ginny and I have been a bit… rocky lately. We've been seeing less of each other, and conversation between us is stiff. I think back to the time I first fell in love with her—real love, not the I-love-yous I've been telling her lately—and I wonder where she's gone. The lively Ginny who always had the sparkle of life. Who had real problems, real, deep feelings. The real Ginny. Now she's cardboard, plastic, and I don't know what to do._

_ The Ginny Weasley I fell in love with was fun, carefree, a laugh, spontaneous. I could really talk to her. She made me laugh, even gave me the warm feeling I grew to know. She was gorgeous, and absolutely perfect._

_ Ginny's appearance hasn't changed at all, and I'm sure she's just as much a sight to see, but she's not beautiful to me anymore. She's predictable, not nearly as much fun… I don't know what to do. I can't break her heart; I won't. I know Ginny's still Ginny… somewhere. I couldn't stand it if she became depressed and brokenhearted because of me. And then there's Ron to consider. How would he take it?_

_ She's so used to things now; to me. They're so routine. I'm starting to wonder if that's what she really wanted all these years._

_May 5_

_ No way. I don't believe it. It's just… completely unbelievable, and bizarre, and ironic… and unfair. It's so unfair… though I guess I should be happy. It's hard, though, even if he is my best friend._

_ Owl mail just came in, and Ron got a letter from the Ministry asking him to join. He spends seven years goofing off and the Ministry asks him to join them. I save the world—more than once—and they reject me. Where's the justice in that?_

_ I forced a smile at breakfast and tried to look happy for him, then came up here. It just isn't fair! It's wrong! They can't do this to me!_

_ I'm going to do something. I've got to._

_May 7_

_Hermione, Ginny, Ron and I went out to dinner and out partying last night in celebration of Ron's… whatever. I couldn't say no because he's my best friend and I had to at least pretend I'm happy. We all sat at the bar at the Hog's Head (Ron's choice, of course). I had just one drink. I watched Ginny out of the corner of my eye, and she mimicked me. She got the same drink, only one, and nothing else. She laughed at what I said and plastered a smile on her face._

_ I suspect my eyes glazed over, but it seemed like no one noticed. Hermione and Ron were caught up in the celebration and Ginny was, too, but she was also being shut off; more of an observer. So I was left to wonder._

_ That, I realized, was one of the main things I missed about Ginny. I never really noticed how much she'd changed until recently when I really started thinking about it. The old Ginny was mature, but had the most brilliant sense of life I'd ever seen in a person. She was fun, spontaneous, and always sparkled. Her smile was genuine and so were her tears. Everything she did was real. Over the last month or so, she's lost her sense of life. She's changed tremendously but I don't know if anyone else sees it. I don't like it at all, but I just noticed it. I've got to tell her. I've got to save her._

_ Just then, Hermione broke my thoughts. "Harry?" she said. "We want you to do the toast."_

_ I looked up, and everyone was staring at me expectantly. My insides froze, but I kept a cool exterior._

_ Clearing my throat, I began. "Ron," I said, and stopped, realizing I had no idea what to say. Improvising, I continued. "We've been through a lot these last seven years—fights, girls, and we've had our moments. I've been a real prick lately and you still took our friendship back. I can't thank you enough. You're one of the best friends a person could have. Congratulations." I raised my glass with everyone else, and as they all downed theirs I realized something. I thought I was pulling that speech out of my arse, but I really did mean it._

_ Hermione pulled me aside after Ron and Ginny had left ahead of us._

_ "Are you guys okay?" she asked._

_ "Who, me and Ron? Yeah, 'course," I answered._

_ "No," she said, a little irritated. "You and Ginny."_

_ "Oh. Yeah, we're fine, why?" I asked, busying myself with my empty glass._

_ "Harry, stop it." She touched my hand. "I noticed you two weren't all lovey-dovey and I was just wondering if you'd had a row or something."_

_ "No, no row. We're on perfectly fine terms."_

_ "Oh," Hermione said. "Okay. But if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."_

_ "I know," I said. "Thanks."_

_ It turned out that Ginny was waiting for me outside the Hog's Head. She smiled when she saw me and linked her arm through mine._

_ I tried to forget the conversation Hermione and I had had just previously as Ginny and I walked back to __Gryffindor__Tower__. She began chatting, and I tried to cover my ears without actually physically covering my ears. I thought about what the hell I was going to do with my life, and what my occupation would be if I wasn't an Auror._

_ Ginny's voice broke my thoughts. "What's wrong?" she asked._

_ I was surprise she had noticed I was preoccupied. Lately it seemed like she was superficial, my stereotype of a girl._

_ "Nothing," I swatted the matter away with my voice._

_ "Harry," she said sternly. "I know you better than that. What's troubling you?"_

_ For a moment there, I saw a glimpse of the old Ginny. There was concern and compassion in her eyes, and she was truly waiting for my response. I decided to take the chance. I told her all about the letter I had gotten from the Ministry, my rejection._

_ She looked genuinely apologetic. "I'm sorry," she said, pain in her voice. "Wanna go fly a bit?"_

_ The thought tempted me greatly, I must admit, but I said, "Haven't we both had drinks?"_

_ "A drink," she corrected. "And it was weak; we'll be fine. We're both sober." She looked at me expectantly, awaiting my answer._

_ "I… okay," I consented._

_ Stopping only at the Tower to grab my broom, we raced to the Quidditch pitch. We both mounted the Firebolt—me in front, Ginny behind. "We'll be safer if we're both on one broom," she had insisted, and it made me think she was beginning to get anxious about the alcohol in our systems. That was the Ginny I knew._

_ We circled a couple times around the pitch, then soared across the lake, our fingers reaching don to touch the metallic water. I was hit with memories of the first time we flew. It was complete exhilaration. I forgot my troubles, the familiar but missed feeling of letting go of everything rushing to greet me. I never realized how much I really missed flying until I had experienced it again._

_ We landed by a small crowd of trees, the night cool and young. Ginny leaned against me and I leaned against the strong trunk of an oak. _

_ "Feel better?" Ginny murmured as she fell asleep against my chest._

_ I smiled and nodded though I knew she couldn't see me. The feeling of flying was so comforting, so relaxing and familiar. It was the one stable thing in my life I could count on. As Ginny had fallen asleep, I was drifting off as well, feeling relaxed, as I hadn't in a long time._

_ Then it hit me. Without waking Ginny, I carried her to the Firebolt and flew back to the castle, eager and excited and anxious while contemplating this next move that my life depended on._

_May 9_

_ I've just sent it. My heart is racing, oddly; this is not my dream at all and yet I'm waiting in anticipation for a reply._

_ I sent my own application to the Chudley Cannons to play for their team. I'm in serious luck because their Seeker just retired. It's my only option, because I didn't get the Auror position and there's nothing else I can do._

_ I've got to wait at least a week until they process it. It can't be sooner than that; it took everyone else's at least that long. _

_I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, nervous and panicked, and a thought is chewing at me: What if they reject me? What will I do with my life? I am not going to work at a little shop in Diagon Alley like Florean Fortescue's. I can't throw my life away. _

_On another dull note, Ginny was her old self for a morning, taking care of me when I had my hangover-like headache yesterday (I don't know why I felt so bad; I didn't drink much at all). Then, after that, she was back to the Ginny that I'm not so fond of again._

_I should probably confront her about it; let her know how I feel about this. I mean, it's what I'm supposed to do, right?_

_And it's not like I'm afraid to ruin "how well things are going", because, frankly, they haven't been going all that well lately. We're so… mechanical, so robotic, so routine._

_I hate that. I loved the spontaneity of our relationship. I loved how she'd surprise me, how she'd say the oddest things, how she'd know how to have fun. _

_Maybe I should tell her._

**A/N: **Ignore typos if there are any; I was so excited about posting it that I didn't give it a thorough check. Only two more chapters left, everyone.

**potts**—Why are you the only one who's reviewed? That makes me sad. Thanks for always reviewing!


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

_May 11_

_I haven't talked to Ginny yet. I mean, about what I said I might. The atmosphere and mood haven't been right yet. I'm still waiting for the subject to come up naturally._

_In the meantime, she hasn't changed a bit. She's a little sad about graduation coming up in about a month, and that's understandable. After all, Ron, Hermione and I will be gone. We talked today about graduation and the future and everything, Ginny and I. She's not looking forward to my leaving, of course. I still haven't told her about signing up for the Chudley Cannons. I'm not sure how she'll react._

_She started acting all clingy when we talked about graduation, and that brought back feelings I was trying to discard. The new Ginny came rushing in again. The Ginny I knew would be cool and calm about me graduating. Merlin, what's happened to her?_

_Anyway, she was saying how much she'd miss me, and how we'd talk to each other every day via fireplace, and write letters, and such. I got sick of it all and tuned out, pretending that I was listening. I used to feel guilty when I did that before, but now I don't. Actually, I don't even pretend to listen anymore._

_I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this. I've wished for so long that the Ginny I fell in love with would come back, but wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere and I'm not counting on it to. I guess if we can't have what we want… well, I see only two options. Maybe three, but the third involves confronting Ginny about her new personality, and, quite frankly, I don't wish to do that. But maybe I will... if I could get Ginny back. The problem is having to choose._

_May 13_

_Bad day. I decided to tell Ginny about the Chudley Cannons… and she flipped. We sat down in the Common Room—something we haven't been doing a lot of lately—and I told her I applied for the Chudley Cannons because I didn't get the Auror position. At first she got angry at the Ministry because they rejected me, but that wore off quickly seeing as her father's in the Ministry and she doesn't have anything to begrudge against them. Then she blew up at me, saying what an idiot I was to chance my future and stuff._

_I don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of this. I mean, I might play for the Chudley Cannons, and even though I didn't get the Auror position, she shouldn't get upset. If anyone should get upset, it should be me. I mean, I don't see how this affects her. And I told her that._

_Bad idea. She got all quiet and shocked for a second, like she was wondering how I could ever ask how my career affected her. And then she said, "Because when we get married, it'll affect me."_

_Oh boy. That did it. I didn't say anything to her; didn't reassure her that we would get married, didn't blatantly tell her I hadn't even considered marriage. The truth is that I had… but that was ages ago. It seems like years when I know it really wasn't. I only considered marriage once; it was the time I felt so close to Ginny. We had really connected, and I wondered what it would be like if we ended up getting married. That was when I loved her._

_I don't know how she felt; I haven't talked to her since and she hasn't approached me. I don't know if she still thinks that we're getting married. I swear I don't know how to react. Ginny would never have brought this up if she was still like her old self. What should I do? _

_I'm not even thinking about the fact that she just blew up at me for applying to the Chudley Cannons… that hardly matters. I really don't care if she approves or not. If it had been a couple months ago, and this happened, I would have cared tremendously. I probably would have dropped that option altogether if Ginny didn't think it was right. But now… what is she to me?_

_I don't know what I'm going to do about this. Does she even know how much she's changed? How did it happen, anyway? Was it slow or sudden? I only noticed an abrupt change… but maybe it was because I wasn't paying attention._

_I know one thing—I certainly don't love her anymore._

_May 16_

_I just got a letter from the Chudley Cannons. They accepted me._

Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you are highly qualified for the position of Seeker for which you have applied. You may owl or Floo to schedule an appointment for an interview at your earliest convenience.

_I got in. After I graduate, I'm going to be a Seeker for a living._

_I told Ginny. She was happy for me at first, that I was guaranteed a source of income after I graduated. Then she started nagging me about how I shouldn't have given any opportunity for a question to arise about whether I would have a job, and the stress I put her through, worrying whether 'd have a job to support a family._

_Whoa. Support a family? And there was no reason for her to get stressed over it. It's my future, not hers. And what's with this 'at first' thing I keep writing? Why does she always have two reactions? Why can't she either be supportive or not?_

_I told her that I was satisfied with myself, and happy with myself, and if she didn't approve well then that's just too damn bad for her. She looked hurt, but I don't care. She deserved it._

_Her words are still ringing in my ears—the ones about "when we get married" and "supporting a family." Where does she get these ideas? I mean, I know it's the purpose of dating and everything, to find your soul mate, but… what's happened to her attitude? She used to be cool with us just spending time together, and now… this. I'm not seeing very many options here._

_She's my date for graduation as of right now; after all, it's expected. I don't know how long I can keep up this façade that I'm still interested. I don't want to be dateless for graduation, and it would probably break her heart… I don't really care that much about the latter. I don't want to seem unfeeling, but honestly—what do you expect me to do? (Um, for clarification… I am not referring to Sirius again. Sirius is dead and I know it. I've moved on.) Still, there's the problem of being dateless… it's less than a month before graduation, so there would hardly be anybody who doesn't have an escort already._

_I don't think I can keep this up any longer… the only question is when. Should I do it after graduation? I don't know if I have the capacity to wait another month. But now… I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it anymore. I want to, certainly, but the consequences of going right out and doing it… what would Ron say? Hermione? Ginny? I am not about to screw things up with my best friends again. What a decision to make._

_I've just owled in my appointment for an interview for the Cannons… I wonder if they had a lot of applicants. I hope not… the better my chances are… well, the better everything is._

_May 19_

_I've thought about it for the last seventy-two hours. I know I didn't over-think because this decision requires so much thought; I'm not even sure if I thought about it enough. I've made my decision… and carried it out._

_It was horrible, more awful than I imagined. Well, I suppose that wasn't too hard, because I didn't imagine it being quite so awful on Ginny's part; I only considered Ron and Hermione's feelings on the matter. It started out okay; I didn't feel anything at all. Towards the end came the problem, when I asked her a question that I shouldn't have asked._

_I did it. After what seemed like months of vaguely considering it, I've done it. I told Ginny that it "wouldn't work out anymore." I didn't specify on purpose, but, being Ginny, of course she had to pry._

_I sat her down in the Common Room at lunch when it was deserted and told her that it wouldn't work out anymore. She was confused at first and asked me what I was talking about. I told her our relationship wasn't going to work out, and what did she do? Nothing. She sat there, numb, just staring at me. Her eyes didn't blink, her muscles didn't move, neither her face nor her mouth said anything. I waited for her to speak, but when she didn't I said her name._

_She slowly looked up into my eyes. "Harry, what are you doing? You can't break us apart! We're like… like… you just can't do this to me!" she said, looking like she felt nothing but I knew it wasn't so._

_I didn't say I was sorry, because I wasn't. She'd get over it. I'd be sorry if I screwed up a relationship with Ron and Hermione. But I wasn't sorry for this._

"_We just won't work out," I said._

"_No-no-no!" she shouted, now crying and screaming. Thankfully no one was around to hear. "You can't do this, Harry! We belong together! You know it! You know we do!"_

"_We don't," I said unfeelingly. "I have to admit, there was a time I loved you."_

"_What do you mean, 'was'?" she demanded. She was nearly hysterical now. "You still love me!"_

"_I don't. Not anymore. I can only say you brought this on yourself."_

"_I didn't do anything!" she wailed and screamed and cried._

_I waited a moment before answering. "I fell in love with you. You were wild, fun, spontaneous, a good laugh… I could always be myself around you and you were yourself around me. I wouldn't trade that for the world. _

"_But we fell apart. I know I didn't say this to you sooner and I should have, but I'm saying it now. You've become someone I don't want to be with. You've become routine, clingy… so unlike the person I knew."_

"_But I was that person! I can be that person again!"_

_I shook my head. "It's too late."_

_She took this in slowly, processing it. Finally she asked, "Why?"_

"_Because. I don't love you anymore. We're not right for each other. You can't make me happy, and you'll probably find someone that will make you happy."_

"_But you make me happy; don't you understand!"_

"_I don't make you happy. You cling to the idea of me, but face it—you don't know me anymore, and I don't know you."_

"_But we could get to know each other again!" At my silence, she stopped wailing, stopped spewing excuses and reasons and hope. She looked down at her hands, not saying a word, her hair falling to conceal her eyes._

"_Goodbye, Ginny Weasley." I said. She didn't look up still. I was about to leave, then remembered something she had told me a very long time ago, when I was falling for her. Something that was bothering me just the slightest bit. Turning to her, I asked, "You said before you started drinking because a friend was. I was wondering… who was it?"_

_She finally looked up at me, tears fresh and glistening in her eyes once more. "You," she said._

_Oh. Was that a blow to… something. It stung a little, but I walked away and didn't look back. I didn't say a word._

_May 30_

_Ron didn't get mad. He was horrified and disgusted and a whole bunch of other things at first, but he realized I did what I had to do. He even admitted (albeit a while later) that he had noticed something was going on between us, and that something was not right. I'm glad. I don't know what I would have done if Ron didn't accept me. _

_Hermione had more or less the same reaction… she didn't get mad, but she understood that if things didn't work out, they didn't work out. After all, she was the one who confronted me about it all before. She made sure that I had really tried to make it work, to understand, before I did it, and I reassured her that I did. She was okay after that. She's been comforting Ginny a lot lately, but she doesn't shoot me death glares or accuse me, and that's all that matters to me—that she doesn't blame me._

_Ginny hasn't spoken to me since. She's been with Hermione, Lavender, always surrounded by her friends. I don't know if they know now or not, but they should have pieced it together if they had any brains. She went out on a date last night, I think. I don't really care, but I don't think she was enjoying herself; just doing it to occupy her time and her mind._

_Graduation is in fifteen days. I'm dateless now, I guess. I wonder who'd go with me, if anyone._

_June 14_

_It's late at night. Graduation is over. It was amazingly painful… well, slightly painful, but amazing because I thought it wouldn't be painful at all. The ceremony was really nice and everything—the Great Hall was decorated, there was music, food, all that stuff. Dumbledore gave a really nice speech. Hermione was valedictorian, of course. Her speech was moving… I don't remember it perfectly but it went something like this:_

'_Through these years we've been bombarded—school, exams, friendships, school, feelings, dark magic, school.' The audience laughed politely. 'I know it's cliché to talk about what I've learned, about the great teachers and friends I've met, and how I'm now well-rounded for the world… so I won't. At least not yet._

'_I was a workaholic. I studied so incredibly hard. School was my life; I was completely devoted to it. My grades reflected my devotion, I'll admit it… but something was terribly wrong. I didn't know it; I couldn't have realized it and I didn't. _

'_I'd been friends with Ron and Harry for a long time, but only after a long time did I realize what I really felt for Ron. I just feel so different now. My grades didn't suffer, but I'm happy. It doesn't seem possible… or at least it didn't to me at the time. But I've realized that there's so much more than just grades, than the future… and in a sense this is the future. Life is just so amazing that we can't afford to let it slip by._

'_Secondly… these last two years have been awkward and sometimes nightmarish. The hell that one of my friends put me through… the pain, the unbalance I felt… I couldn't talk about that with anyone, not even Ron. I didn't know what to feel, so I stopped feeling in that direction. I told myself it wasn't worth it. I said I was wasting my time, that nothing was ever going to change and that I might as well let go. But it wasn't true. Any of it._

'_It's always worth it. No matter what it is, even if it is the tiniest thing, infinitesimally small, it's worth the effort and the pain and the blood and sweat and tears. I learned that the hard way and almost lost something incredibly special. Life is about feeling, so if you ever give up feeling something for anything or anyone you're making a big mistake. Numbness is hell. Feeling is what defines life, what makes life worth living, ever. Don't ever give it up. Always try to recover what you've lost. There's always hope.'_

_There was some more stuff, but that's all I can really remember. I would never have expected Hermione to divulge personal stories to people she didn't know. I was pretty impressed._

_So now I guess it's over, my Hogwarts life and everything it includes. Ginny, all the stupid "friends" who were nothing more than acquaintances, classes, exams, teachers… teachers. I wonder if things between Remus and me will change. He's not just a teacher at school; he was my mentor for a little bit. And a friend. He is a friend._

_And what about Dumbledore? We don't speak anymore, now that my scar doesn't hurt that often anymore. He's helped me through so much, has been there for me, has taught and guided me… but it would be so difficult to walk right into his office and start a conversation. Unless he comes looking for me or is conveniently located near me when I feel chatty, I won't be initiating any conversation._

_Now that I think about it, everything here will be ending except Quidditch and Ron and Hermione. Well… what about Ron and Hermione? Are things really going that great with us? I mean, is it going so well that we'll continue to be friends after we go our separate ways and Ron and Hermione maybe start a family? We've talked about careers and stuff a little bit, but nothing deep, mostly just small talk. Oh, Merlin. Is this how we're going to end—with no connection at all? But I can't approach them either. When they're together, it's like a militia against me. I lose all my nerve. I really hope we'll stay friends after we all leave._

_Since this is my last dinner feast before I leave Hogwarts, I'd better enjoy it._

**A/N: **One more chapter! Leave me love. (By the way, where are all my reviewers!)

**Potts-** Yeah, I know, way busy. But still. Mah. I want reviews. Haha. I appreciate your support more than you know!

**Nwsbysboomerang-** Thanks for the compliments.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: **This is sort of an epilogue-y chapter, as I'm sure you'll notice.

**Chapter 23**

_November 15_

_Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_I was thinking, and… well, I probably should start appropriately, like we're old friends that are just casually joking around and have been. _

_How is the batch of first years this new term? Any new troublemakers to give the Weasleys a run for their money? How are the professors—still the same? Is Professor Lupin still teaching or do you have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? How have you been? Any exciting new events and happenings at Hogwarts?_

_Now that the formalities are finished, I'd like to get to the real reason I wrote. Well, there are a few. I've been thinking a lot lately._

_First off, how is Ginny faring? Seventh year and all, I know, and I know about what goes on in seventh year. But how is she, really? I let her off harshly but didn't think anything of it then. I never contacted her afterwards. Ron, Hermione and I visited each other independently. Could you maybe deliver a message to her for me, especially if she's hurting? She would read it if it was given by you, and I don't know what she thinks of me right now._

_Dear Ginny, yes, I really meant that. You are dear to me. Merlin, I've been an idiot. We aren't together anymore, but I still care about you. You're like a sister to me, Ginny Weasley. I'll always be there for you, whenever you need me. I hope you understand. I know I've treated you horribly before, but this time away from Hogwarts has helped me realize what I have to do to try to rectify everything. I love you, Ginny. I'm just not in love with you. I hope you can understand that and maybe forgive me one day for the jerk I've been. All my love, Harry_

_Thanks, Professor._

_I'm playing for the Chudley Cannons now and all is going well. I see Ron and Hermione every week because we go out to eat or get coffee or something. We visit the Burrow on a regular basis, too. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley—Arthur and Molly—are so kind. They act like nothing happened and treat me like I'm their son._

_Hermione's pregnant; I don't know if you know already. It's a little boy. I know you were at their wedding; I saw you. I apologize now for not talking to you then. I was still scared. It was beautiful, wasn't it? I have some pictures and of course they have a lot—I could send you some copies, if you'd like. They seem really happy now, finally. I'm glad. It's about time they both really found each other._

_Life with the Cannons is spectacular. We practice a lot, so I guess it's good that I don't have a family yet. I'm so busy that I only have time to spend with the Weasleys and sometimes the Grangers. We travel a lot—the Cannons, I mean—and I've seen many different parts of Europe. It's really beautiful, Europe. Of course I took pictures._

_Here I feel compelled to ask you something personal, Professor, and I hope you'll forgive me if I'm out of line. But I wonder if you ever regret not settling down and starting a family. Of course, I don't know for a fact that you never did… it's just something that's bothering me in my life. I don't see myself as a family-father kind of guy, but I wonder what I'll miss. Hermione and Ron seem so happy, but I don't know if that's for me. It seems so… fake, like a fantasy, like it could never be for me. There's a girl on my Quidditch team, I'm sure you've heard of her. If you haven't already, you will; she's the only girl on the team. Chaser. We hit it off pretty well and I really like her, I mean as more than a friend. We're just friends, but it definitely has the potential to turn into something more. I've never had much of an experience with girls, and I don't want our friendship and business relationship to end if we don't work out. I really like her, though, Professor. I don't know why I'm talking about my love life with you._

_I've stopped drinking. Well, I still drink and I still get drunk; it happens to everyone. But it only happens when I'm partying or celebrating, not when I'm depressed or on a regular basis. I can drink with moderation, and I never do so alone just in case._

_Smoking is a bit different, though. I don't smoke as often as I used to, but I can't stop. Whenever I'm stressed, I have to have a cigarette. Ron hid all my cigarettes from me once when I got nervous before a match, and it was not a pretty sight. I thought I would die. I wonder if he got the idea or if someone hinted him to it… you know what I'm saying, Professor. You or Hermione?_

_I thought long and hard about this, and I've decided. I can trust you and besides, I owe you a lot. I've enclosed all my "letters to Sirius" with this letter. (Hopefully Hedwig delivered it all right; she's usually good about that.) They're for you, to read or chuck in the fire. I don't care; I have all the memories._

_You've done so much for me for so many years, Professor Dumbledore. Seventeen, actually—since I was a year old. The last couple of years I really neglected and ignored and did not appreciate you at all. I owe you a great apology, at the very least. I want to apologize for everything I've said and done and everything I haven't said and haven't done. When you initially told me to write letters to Sirius, I have to admit, I thought it was a bit absurd. But I did it anyway. Even through my negativity and rebellion, I took your advice. I think it was because I still respected you and your opinion. (I still do, by the way.)_

_Thanks for looking after me and making sure I got out of Hogwarts and grew up in one piece. If you felt like writing back, I'd greatly appreciate it, but of course I don't expect it and would completely understand if you didn't._

_Please give my best to everyone at Hogwarts. And thank you._

_Yours most sincerely,_

_Harry Potter_

**A/N: **Well, that's the end! You can imagine your own endings if you'd like. I thought I would give you guys a happy ending, though. Hey, people can change. J Like me. There's still hope left.

Enough of that. Thanks everyone for all your support… and now I'll thank as many people as I can personally.

**potts-** Man, are there even words? You've reviewed like every single chapter promptly, and you've always loved everything and been so encouraging. Thank you so much!

**nwsbysboomerang-** Thanks for all your support!

**roxygurl25-** You've always been there and we've had some great memories. Thanks for everything.

**code112358132134-** You're insane, and I gotta love it. Every time you read you think of possible scenarios and solutions and mysterious plot lines. LOVE YOU and we must hang out sometime soon!

**IamSiriusgrl-** You've been so faithful and so supportive; it means a lot to me. Thank you!

**Cecilia Orechio-** Even though you stopped reading as the story progressed, I want you to know that your input was so valuable. You contributed more deep personalized feedback than anyone. Thank you.

**ghst.sama-** Even though we had that incident, I wish you'd come back and read. Thank you for seeing what others didn't. You have no idea how important that is.

**Kiyoko-San-** Even though I don't hear from you anymore, I wanted to say thanks for all your feedback on not just this story but everything. I've grown to recognize your name (well, the old one).

**BlackLupin-** Haven't spoken to you in a great while. Hope all is going well with you (and Sirius). Thanks for being so supportive and contributing ideas.

Thanks to everyone who ever read this story, and an extra thanks to those who took the time to review, and I mean all of you! I'm sorry if I couldn't reply to you review personally; I know I left out a few. Thanks everyone for everything you've done! I hope you continue to read what I continue to write.

OutofAzkaban


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